Last Stop Station is one of two no-budget shorts films that recently appeared on my doorstep. Shot for around $1,000, Last Stop Station tells the story of a pair of tabloid photographers, three other-worldly creatures, and the chance meeting of a lifetime.

As part of a horror anthology film titled MONSTERDOTCOM, it’s no surprise that Last Stop Station reminded me of both Tales From the Crypt and Creepshow style short stories. Like those, and even the Twilight Zone before it, Last Stop Station is a “punch-line” short. You know, like the guy who gets his wish to live forever and then gets a life sentence without parole? Or the last man alive on Earth who hears a knock at the door? Similar to those, even though you have a fairly good idea of what’s going to happen, the ending still packs a surprise that pays itself off with a good laugh.

The weakest link in the chain is the acting. As the main actor throughout the film (Andy Kumpon) also wrote, directed, and edited it, I’m sure his appearance comes out of necessity rather than a love of acting. Trust me, coming from a guy who has been forced to sing on his own songs more than once, I understand the dilemna. Speaking of singing, Kumpon is also responsible for the film’s eerie soundtrack.

And while Last Stop Station may not win Kumpon any acting awards, I wouldn’t be surprised if he were able to land a directing or editing job by passing the tape around Hollywood. Despite the film’s almost non-existant budget, Kumpon and company are able to pull off some pretty professional looking shots, complete with some surprisingly effective special effects that show the guys certainly know how to get the most for their dollar. I wouldn’t be surprised to see any of the guys who worked on this film working in the industry within the next few years.

Last Stop Station ends with the following note in the credits: “This project was made for less than $1000, shot on video, and edited with scotch tape, so what’s your excuse? Don’t let a million dollar budget get in your way.” You can’t argue with that. Using a budget any of us could scrape up, a video camera not unlike the ones most of us own, and their own time and imagination, the guys behind Last Stop Station have produced an eerie and suspenseful short film that showcases their talents and does a decent job of combining horror and humor. And in doing so, they’ve managed to set the bar for “no budget” horror films pretty damn high.

While perusing the local pawn shop (my source of budget DVDs), I ran across The Last Samurai. “Isn’t this a new film?” I asked myself, remembering hearing the title recently. It then dawned on me, The Last Samurai is the title of Tom Cruise’s lastest piece of “work”, slated for a 2003 release. Assuming I hadn’t actually travelled through time by walking through the pawn shop’s doors, I knew this had to be another movie by the same name. So, I dropped my $4.99 on the counter and made my way home to find out if this was the source of Cruise’s latest flick, or just another movie with the same name. If it was the original film, it would be interesting to watch, and if not, at least I was adding yet another B-grade kung-fu DVD to my collection.

Well, unfortunately neither scenario turned out to be true. Tom Cruise’s new film is totally unrelated to this one, and instead of adding a B-grade kung-fu DVD to my collection, I added a D-grade late 80’s action/adventure DVD to my shelf.

The Last Samurai (the 1990 release) begins with a slow motion sequence that looks like it may have slowed down by playing footage on a two-head VCR in slow motion and then recording it on another VCR. DVD cannot help all things look pretty. The sequence (filmed in black and white, because we’re all idiots and don’t know that slow motion sequences, especially ones that open movies, are usually flashbacks) begins with a shot of some birds flying across the sky — although, since the slow-mo is so bad, the birds just seem to appear and disappear in different areas of the screen.

The scene, and it’s such a wonderful scene that I’m giving it its own paragraph, consists of two guys Kendo fighting on a beach. Of course, they’re wearing complete Kendo outfits — black suits with big head masks complete with grills over their faces, and big bamboo “swords”. These two guys continue to wail on each other for what seems like fifteen minutes. I mean, in REGULAR motion I’m sure most directors would have thought the scene was too long or awkward to keep in, but director Paul Mayersberg is a visionary. “Slow DOWN the footage!” he cried, trying to force one of those situations where two negatives make a positive. By slowing down already painfully long and drawn out footage, he will make it be interesting! Unfortunately for the viewing public (which can’t be many), he fails, and the scene actually put me to sleep. In fact, this scene is so long and boring, I fell asleep during it, and when I woke up, THE SAME SCENE WAS STILL GOING. Drool running and eyes burning, I stopped the DVD and went for a walk. I decided I’d try and watch it again later.

So, attempt two at sitting through The Last Samurai began about an hour later. I made it through the scene, which has one of the funniest moments ever recorded in film history. One of the Kendo “masters” KILLS the other one! Now you have to imagine this — two guys, in full battle armor are fighting with bamboo sticks on the beach. These are the same bamboo “swords” that they use in professional wrestling to whack each other with from time to time. And one of them KILLS the other with a blow to the helmet? At first I was confused, but when I realized what had happened I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee. And then I watched it again, and again, and again, maybe twenty times total. And at the end of the scene, the one “surviving” bamboo stick master pulls his helmet/mask off to reveal … John Fujioka (They Call Me Bruce, American Ninja 1 and 2, American Yakuza, American Samurai, Mortal Kombat, and most recently, Pearl Harbor). The camera does a slow pan in on Fujioka’s face (remember, this is all still in slow motion) to show his “Yes. I was forced to keeeeel him with my bamboo stick” look. After all this laughter and pain I didn’t have it in me to watch anymore. “I’ll watch it tomorrow,” I said, and called it a day. I hadn’t even made it to the opening credits yet.

After three more failed attempts at making it through this movie, I decided to just put the movie on and continue working on other stuff, hoping to glean the high points of the film through osmosis. So, here’s what I gathered:

John Fujioka plays Yasujiro Endo, a business man wealthy beyond his wildest dreams (at the beginning of the film, he’s seen eating chocolates coated in gold). On a business trip, he ends up in Africa. Also in Africa is Johnny Congo, played by Lance Henriksen (best known as Bishop from Aliens, but also appeared in such classics as Mimic 3, Mangler 2, Pumpkinhead, Piranha II: The Spawning, Super Mario Brothers as the King, and the detective in the Terminator). Congo is a hard-drinkin’, tough-shootin’ sonnuvabitch.

After meeting Congo, some really boring stuff happened and I went and made a sandwich. When I came back, Congo and his woman along with Endo and his crew were off on an African adventure to “find Endo’s roots,” with Congo and another fellow acting as tour guides.

I watched for a while, then went back to IRC for a while.

Eventually, the group runs into this tribe who kidnaps the group. One of the group escapes, finds some guns, and all hell breaks loose. That’s about what I could gather while peeking over the laptop screen from time to time. I caught John Saxon running around at some point during all the commotion. Saxon is best known (to me, anyhow) as Nancy’s dad Lieutenant Donald Thompson in Nightmare on Elm Street, parts 1 AND 3. In part 3, he helps defeat Freddy “forever” (which means until #4 rolled along), but in this movie he only succeeds in talking a lot and eventually shooting at people.

I went downstairs during one part of the melee and when I came back upstairs with a Coke and a smile (acutally I just wanted to type that; I drink Dr. Pepper), the end credits were rolling. So when I knew the movie was over I guess I had a Dr. Pepper and a smile.

The Last Samurai has the distinct honor of putting me to sleep at least five times before finally basically giving up on it. Wth a plot that could fit in the head of a pin, acting straight out of an 80’s porn flick, and special effects that, in the words of Beavis, “weren’t very special,” The Last Samurai doesn’t have much to offer the majority of the movie watching public. However, if you happen to be an insomniac and can’t get your hands on any NyQuil, RUN, don’t walk to your nearest movie rental store and pick up a copy of this flick. After trying to sit through this movie so many times, I can only hope that this movie is, in fact, the LAST last samurai. ‘Nuf said.

Author’s Note: Since I really feel I may have short changed the readers with this review, I have attached three other reviews I found of this movie on the web.

E! Online’s Review: A mercenary escapes a kidnapping plot and sets out to bust up a covert weapons deal

All Movie Guide’s Review: A hard-drinking Vietnam veteran pilot (Lance Henriksen) is hired by a rich Japanese businessman, whose ancestors were samurai warriors, to fly him and his group to Africa. There they are captured by a cultured, Western-educated tribal leader who discusses philosophy with them while his rebel armies rob and massacre the local populace. The pilot manages to escape to the desert and starts to formulate a plan to rescue his employers.

Movies Unlimited’s Review: While on a search for his samurai roots, a Japanese businessman is led to a war-ravaged African country where he must use his deadly fighting legacy in a fight for survival. Action-filled tale of honor and betrayal stars John Fujioka, Lance Henriksen, John Saxon, Lisa Eilbacher.

In our family’s circles, I’ve become known as “the guy who likes bad movies.” So for Christmas, instead of Austin Powers 3, Halloween Ressurection, Minority Report, An Evening with Kevin Smith, Spider-Man, Lord of the Rings, Men in Black II, Ice Age, Grease, or Return to the Blue Lagoon, I got 1978’s Laserblast. The reasoning behind the purchase? “It looked like a bad movie to me, don’t you like those?” said Mom during Christmas dinner. Works for me.

Opening scene: A green humanoid-looking alien goes staggering across the rocky southern California plains. Suddenly, a space craft flies across the screen, and two stop-motion aliens that look a lot more like dinosaurs than aliens get out. The green alien, wearing a shiny silver coat and a six-foot long gun on his arm, fires at the two dinosaur aliens, but misses. The dinosaurs fire back, wounding the green face-painted alien. Then they walk over and fire again, this time disintegrating him, leaving only his amulet and his weapon. Before they can pick up the evidence, a plane flies overhead and startles the creatures, sending them running back to their craft and taking off.

Laserblast tells the story of Billy Duncan. Despite having the looks of a cool surfer dude and a sweet van with tunes to match, Billy gets repeatedly shit on by everyone he knows. In the beginning of the film, he catches his mother sneaking out of the house, leaving for a vacation to Acapulco without telling him. Just within the first ten minutes of the film, we see Billy getting yelled at by his girlfriend’s senile grandfather, teased by two local bullies, and harassed by the local redneck police.

Billy wanders off into the desert and by luck, discovers the weapon left behind by the green face-painted alien. “Why ask why,” as the old Bud Dry commercial used to say. At this point, the director must’ve said, “run around in the desert for five minutes, saying “pow pow pow” and pretending to shoot things,” because that’s exactly what Billy does. He also puts on the keen amulet, which looks a lot like a piece of string with a painted lightbulb hanging upside down from it. Billy tries out his new gun by blowing the shit out of at least five bushes, turning them into smoke, fire, and ash. Go Billy go!

The stop-motion dinosaur aliens, flying away from Earth at light speed, get a call from their superior. After being shown a few scenes of Billy blowing stuff up and getting yelled at by the head alien, they decide to head back to Earth and get the gun. Of course, I’m just guessing at the actual alien dialogue, as this entire five minute long scene is spoken in alien language.

Back on Earth, Billy’s life keeps getting worse. At a birthday party, the two hooligans who routinely harass Billy end up trying to rape his girlfriend Kathy. That makes Billy MAD and he tries to kick their asses, but instead they end up beating the crap out of him. Kathy saves the day by knocking the head bully out with a blow to the head using the netty part of a tennis racket, a scene worth watching several times for the bad sound effect alone (b-o-i-n-g).

This makes Billy even MORE mad, and so when he leaves the party he turns green like the Hulk (for real) and gets his secret space gun and blows the shit out of the bullies’ car. BOOM. I think Billy has officially had enough. Billy eventually calms down, turns “un-green”, and notices that the amulet has now buried itself into his chest. So, it’s off to the local doctor’s office to have it removed by Doctor Mellon (Roddy McDowall). The doctor decides to take the foreign piece of metal to a friend’s lab to be looked at. This makes Billy MORE MAD! Billy repays the friendly doctor’s good deed by turning him and his car into a huge fireball. Bye bye, doctor.

Around this point in the movie, Tony Craig shows up. At least I assume that’s his name, I had to narrow it down in the credits because they never officially introduce him. He works for “some agency” — again, we don’t know, and they don’t think to tell, so as a viewer you just kind of wonder who this guy is that shows up in town. Craig spends his time in the movie walking around flashing his badge to everyone, and eventually performs interviews, gathers evidence, investigates the case, searches the desert for evidence, and bosses the local police around. He’s kind of like Agent Mulder, but more mysterious and dumb.

Well, by this point Billy is pretty pissed off and all that teenage angst mixed with his newly acquired laser blast-o-matic cannon isn’t a good combination. Pretty soon, the cops are toast (literally), as are the teenagers who used to harass him. POW, BANG, ZAP! Billy spends the rest of the day blowing up half of southern California. Of course now we see more of “green” Billy than regular Billy. Whenever he has the gun, he’s “green” Billy, except when they forgot to put the makeup on for some scenes. Whatever.

Billy wanders out of the desert and gets picked up by a hippie hitchhiker who quickly becomes a pile of firey ashes, as does his hippie van, several billboards, a post office, and everything else in Billy’s way. Just when he’s about to blow up some big building, the stop-motion aliens return to Earth and kill Billy with a death ray, where he falls into the street. The movie ends with Kathy holding Billy’s dead corpse in the street. Happy ending everyone!

The special effects in Laserblast aren’t bad for the mid-70s, I guess I can say that. Actually, considering that this came out the year after Star Wars (which is referenced twice in the movie), it it does look pretty bad. The stop motion of the dinosaur aliens is okay, the laser bolts look silly, the “green alien” makeup jobs are just goofy, but all the pyro and explosions are pretty good. The audio in the movie is terrible. Most of it has been overdubbed, but it’s like they just added dialogue, sound effects, and the occasional piece of music, but no ambient noise. In one scene, while Kathy wanders around the forest looking for Billy, it’s dead silent with only an occasional bird chirp in the background. When people drive cars in the film, it’s usually dead silent as well. There are entire two to three minute scenes with no audio at all, so while they were playing I kept turning my TV up a notch at a time, until I finally heard a sound which was unbelievably loud. The acting in Laserblast is non-existant, despite the fact that SOMEHOW they managed to pull in a few big names. Billy is played by Kim Milford, who appeared in Corvette Summer and was a pretty big stage actor. As mentioned, Roddy McDowall portrays Doctor Mellon, and one of the two hooligans is played by Eddie Deezen (the nerd from Greese, the nerd from Wargames, the nerd from Spy Hard, etc).

After searching the web, it appears that Mystery Science Theater 3000 did an episode on this film. I hadn’t seen that or known anything about this film before watching it, but afterwards I can certainly see how they would love a film like this. I’ve already watched Laserblast a second time, and loved/hated it more than before. Highly recommended for fans of bad sci-fi or people who like to drink beer on their couch and say, “I could make a movie as good as that,” because this time it’s probably true.

“Desperately unfunny.” – Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

I’ve gained somewhat of a reputation, deservedly so, of being a guy who is looking for more than just dumb humor and pointless gags in the movies I see. Sometimes, I wish I could go into a theater (who am I kidding, 99% of the movies I see I rent), leave reality for an hour and a half, and say, “who cares if this movie doesn’t make sense? Who cares if this plot is totally unbelievable? Who cares if this is yet another Saturday Night Live skit-based movie that should have remained a skit, and not a feature length movie?” I can’t wait for the day when I can say that!

Unfortunately for you all, today is not that day.

The Ladies Man, aka Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows), is a radio talk show host who gives love life advice on the radio. Often when people call in, he tells them to solve their problems, “they should do it – in the butt.” Phelps learned to get his mack on by his adoptive dad (The Ladies Man was left on the doorstep of the Playboy Mansion as a child).

There is a main plot and a subplot – trust me, you won’t have any problem what-so-ever following along as to what’s going on. The main storyline follows the Ladies Man as he loses his job due to one too many FCC complaints, and his search for both employment and true love. Accompanied by the Robin Quivers-like Julie (Karyn Parsons, better known as Hilary Violet Banks from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”), wackyness ensues as the two look for any station that will hire them. The sub-plot involves a gang of husbands who have had their wife’s violated by the Ladies Man. The gang, led by Lance (Will Ferrell) and Barney (Lee Evans, Tucker/Norman from There’s Something About Mary), are following the Ladies Man’s trail. I felt like I saw this exact same plot in Howard Stern’s movie, Private Parts.

The story is just an excuse for the writers to hang “Ladies Man” jokes on, nothing more. There are a few funny jokes, don’t get me wrong. There’s a radio interview the Ladies Man does with a nun who goes on (and on) about how she has accepted a “missionary position” … in “Bangkok”, no less. There’s a song and dance number in the middle that made me laugh, and some of the Tim Meadow’s banter is entertaining, and that’s it. The problem with these movies is that, and if you’re in Hollywood, write this down …

NO ONE GIVES A FLYING SHIT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE LADIES MAN.

There’s not one single reason to care what’s going to happen next. There’s no suspense, there’s no climax, there’s nothing to get excited about. I’m not looking for Orson Wells here, but I’d love a plot slightly deeper than Saturday morning cartoons.

When I was younger and saw Wayne’s World, I thought it was pretty funny. Little did I know that was going to be the apex of all SNL-based movies. I mean, Wayne’s World was OK, but compared to Superstar and A Night at the Roxbury, it’s friggin’ Oscar material!! Hell, even Wayne’s World II was a classic compared to this!

The best thing I can say is, The Ladies Man isn’t the worst SNL movie of all time. The movie was watchable, but unfortunately pointless. I don’t feel like I got to know Leon Phelps any better than I already knew him from his five minute skits on Saturday Night Live. This movie should have went for the R rating, put in some funny adult jokes, and used the movie as an opportunity to do stuff that they could never get away with on the air.

Like, being funny.

(And remember the funniest clip from the trailer, where the Ladies Man knocks on a transvestite’s door, takes a look at him, and says “yeah, that’th dithguthting.” Nowhere to be found in the movie.)

After finding out I had recently sat through Scooby Doo, my friends all asked me what I thought. “I thought it would suck a lot, but since it only sort of sucked, it was better than I had imagined.”

In all honesty, I was prepared to write the same review for Kung Pow: Enter the Fist even before I had seen it. Despite the obvious attempt at being campy, I was sure the project would be botched. I already had an entire review mentally prepared on how they were destroying and mocking the genre.

Boy was I wrong.

First of all, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is funny. If you’re looking for a silly kung-fu based flick, you’ll enjoy it. If you are a fan of late ’70’s kung-fu movies (including their bad dubbing and horrible revenge-style plots), you’ll enjoy it even more. If you like those movies and liked either the kung-fu parody included in the Kentucky Fried Movie, Woody Allen’s “What’s Up, Tiger Lily?”, or Mystery Science Theater 3000, you’ll find this movie downright hilarious. I know I did. That’s not to say the movie doesn’t have failed gags or slow parts, but the concept, the comedy, the jokes, and the dialogue all came together in a very funny combination to me.

Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is a “reworking” of a 1976 Hong Kong movie titled “Hu He Shuang Xing” (English translation, “Tiger & Crane Fists”). Steve Oedekerk, the mastermind behind this project, took the original footage, mixed it around, and made a new story out of it. Then, he digitally inserted himself throughout the entire film, playing “The Chosen One” (this was done using several different methods, explained later). Once he had magically “joined” the old film, he then went through and redubbed the entire film with new dialogue, performing all of the voices himself as well.

The story that has been created is that of “The Chosen One”. As an infant, the Chosen One’s family was murdered by Master Pain. When he tried to kill the Chosen One, The Chosen One (who has no other name other than the Chosen One, which is annoying to type over and over) fights back which leads to a CGI laden scene reminiscent of the “Ugachaka” baby. The Chosen One eventually escapes, and spends the next thirty years of his life wandering the lands, being randomly attacked by thugs for being The Chosen One.

How do all these rogues KNOW he’s the Chosen One? Because his tongue has a “face” on the end of it, which you may have seen during the trailer. Affectionately named “Toungie”, the two eyes and mouth on the end of his tongue scream “ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!” and “hi-ya!” when attacking, but don’t do much more.

The Chosen One eventually finds his way to Master Tung’s village. There, he meets the rest of the cast of characters. Wimp Lo is a young fighter who Master Tung “trained to fight wrong as a joke.” Wimp Lo is also wearing squeaky shoes, a foley joke that never gets old. Ling is the young maiden of the village who is torn between Wimp Lo and the Chosen One. Besides Master Tang, we also meet Master Doe and Chew Fat Lip as well.

As is the case in many Kung Fu movies of the time, The Chosen One must complete his quest by training, fighting various bad guys, and most importantly avenge the death of his family by discovering Master Pain’s weaknesses and defeating him in a one-on-one showdown.

The movie plays pretty well. Some gags don’t work, but most do. Some of the scenes seemed unnecessarily long, some short, but for the most part everything worked out. The movie’s subtle jokes work better than the blatant, in-your-face stuff. The never-ending battle between the Chosen One and an evil CGI cow isn’t nearly as funny as some of the one liners that snuck their way into the movie. When the Chosen One arrives into town, Wimp Lo comments to Ling, “there’s a stranger in town. Have you seen him before?” to which she answers, “No. Well, twice.” Little lines like that kept me laughing all 80 minutes. When the Chosen One tells Master Tang he has travelled many miles to meet him, Master Tang asks him back, “would you say you walked … ten MILLION miles?” Kung Pow doesn’t take itself too seriously, and neither should you.

The DVD presentation of Kung Pow: Enter the Fist contains enough extras to keep you entertained for a weekend, or if you really enjoy the movie, one long night. As all good DVD’s should, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist contains a commentary track, where Steve Oedekerk and his co-writer give a lot of insight on how the film came together. Oedekerk spends just a but too much time trying to be wacky and zany, but the majority of the information presented is very interesting.

Besides other languages, there are two other complete audio tracks included on the DVD. One is the “Books on Tape” audio track, which consists of an actor using a Shakespearian voice to read every line in the movie. Similar to the “Thermian” audio track on the Galaxy Quest DVD (in which the whole movie is translated an alien language not understandable by us, the viewers), the “Books on Tape” audio track is more interesting than entertaining.

Another audio track is the “What are they actually saying?” audio track. Since Steve Oedekerk knew all the lines would be overdubbed, so everywhere a new actor appears they are speaking goofy lines. “Tell me about the pastries,” one guy says before beating the Chosen One with a stick. “MY PASTRIES ARE VERY GOOD!” he cries back. Again, there’s no sense at all to this audio track, but it’s kind of funny to watch through and see what people were actually saying. This track also contains what they were originally saying in the OLD footage, so a lot of it is in Chinese.

Every other extra you could expect is on the disc. Several deleted scenes, a technical “how’d they do that?” featurette (which is fascinating when you realize the time and money that must’ve been spent creating this low brow masterpiece), trailers, promos … you name it, it’s on here. Every possible last scene or bit of information is on here. Don’t wait for the Kung Pow: Special Edition to be released — this is it, folks!

There’s also a quick “thumb” scene accessable from the main menu (by quick, I mean two seconds). That sent me directly to IMDB to discover that yes, Steve Oedekerk is the genius behind the “thumb” movies (Blair Thumb, Thumbtanic, and Thumb Wars – The Phantom Cuticle, to name a few). Besides those, Oedekerk wrote (or helped write) Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, The Nutty Professor I and II, Patch Adams, and more. He also served as a writer on TV’s In Living Color. He’s also got a slew of producing, acting, and directing credits as well.

And that’s exactly what you’re getting here. A little Ace Ventura, a little Nutty Professor, a little bit In Living Color and a whole ‘lotta Kung-Fu jokes. Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is innovative — the best application of technology is when you can’t even tell it’s there, which I experienced through much of Kung Pow (no, not during the cow fight scene, dumbass). The dubbing is hilarious, the plot is okay, and the idea is top notch. One thing I can say for Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is that it suffers from one of the worst trailers of all time. Not only is it not funny, it’s actually annoying, and consists of some of the least funny clips of the movie. The cow fighting scene is absolutely ruined, as the only way it would be funny is if you were “surprised” by a Cow-Fu attack (yeah, I made that up). Kung Pow: Enter the Fist was a pleasant surprise, a semi-new and somewhat fresh idea on an old genre.

One thing Ive always admired about director Kevin Smith was his guerrilla style of film-making. Clerks, Smiths first film, cost only $27,000 to make and was funded entirely by his own personal credit cards. The success of Clerks opened Hollywoods doors for Smith, and soon his View Askewniverse came alive in such films as Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. And despite writing and directing all of these films, Smith is probably most recognized for the character he plays all in them Silent Bob.

Despite Smiths Hollywood success, he has remained extremely accessible to the general public. Smiths website and blog are updated daily, and he regularly interacts with fans and fellow filmmakers on his sites forums. In 2002, Smith hit the road, taking his launching a multi-college speaking tour (Cornell University, Indiana University, Kent State University, University of Wyoming, and Clark University). Throughout the programs, students were allowed to ask Smith unscripted questions. All of the performances were filmed, and the result is this 2-disc, 345-minute DVD release, An Evening with Kevin Smith.

The audience for An Evening with Kevin Smiths is his fans, people who have seen and enjoyed his films. Most of the films dialogue is not general filmmaking advice, but rather specifics about Smiths films and experiences. Thats not to imply that its boring; Smith is a fascinating individual, with an overall outsider-looking-in view on filmmaking. Smith tells the audience how elated he was when his budget for Mallrats (his second film) was $250,000, almost ten times the amount he spent on Clerks. Smiths oblivion as to how the Hollywood cog turns makes for interesting stories and explains his tiffs with fellow directors P.T. Anderson (Magnolia) and Tim Burton, both of which are well documented in the program. Smith also discusses meetings with Hollywood executives about the development of a new Superman movie (which didnt go so well) and his interesting encounter with Prince.

Smith has previously referred to his movie Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back as his $20 million dollar dick and fart joke. Anyone even remotely familiar with his familiar self-admittedly juvenile humor should not be surprised at the filthy language contained on these discs, strong enough to make Richard Pryor blush. Smiths constant stream of f-bombs is matched only by audience members requests to perform sexual acts on him or do drugs with him after the program. Kevin Smiths world is a fascinating one, but its also very R-rated.

Throughout the program youll see the characters from Smiths films slowly begin to pour out of him; the smart-assed Randall from Clerks, the comic book collecting Brodie from Mallrats, even the desperately-in-love Holden McNeil from Chasing Amy begin to emerge as Smith tells his tales. Those tales will not only make you appreciate the films that much more, but also appreciate the humor and drive of Smith himself. Every fan of Kevin Smith and his work must see An Evening with Kevin Smith.

I probably could have written this review without actually ever seeing Joe Dirt. David Spade, teaming up with Adam Sandler and Fred Wolf (writer for SNL, Black Sheep, Dirty Work, and Little Nicky), have put out yet another movie of five minute skits tied together with a loose plot. And unfortunately, like most of these movies, if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve already seen most of the good parts.

Joe Dirt, a custodian at a LA radio station, is spotted by the station’s morning talk DJ (Dennis Miller). Miller, who has to kill four hours of on air time each day, drags Dirt into the studio and puts him on the air to make fun of him. When Dirt (who has changed his name to Dirte’ (pronounced Deer-tay)) begins telling his life’s history to Miller on the air, the listening public begin to take interest in Dirt’s story. Miller has Dirt back to the show several days in a row, as his story begins to boost ratings.

The majority of the story is told as flashbacks that Dirt tells Miller while on the air. During the movie, I kept wondering to myself why Dirt makes himself look like a complete ‘tard in every story. Even in the flashbacks and stories where people AREN’T kicking his ass, he still comes off looking slow and stupid.

As I stated before, the movie basically consists of five minute skits presented to the audience as flashbacks. Some of the sketches move pretty quickly, like when Dirt gets a job at an alligator farm (the whole skit’s payoff, where Dirt is bitten and spit out by a large ‘gator, is shown in the preview). Other skits, like when Dirt (as a child) finds a “meteor” and drags in around in a little red wagon talking to it seem to last forever (that skit’s payoff, the “meteor” actually being a chunk of human waste that was expelled by a passing airplane and froze on it’s way to Earth, is also shown in the trailer). With so many of the movie’s jokes spoiled by the trailer, it’s almost like having a friend constantly telling you five minute long jokes that you already know the punchline to.

If you were a fan of There’s Something About Mary’s beans and franks joke, and thought Scary Movie raised and not lowered the bar of comedy by showing a dangling nut sack, you’ll get a kick out of Joe Dirt. You’ll get 10 shots in 2 minutes of a dog’s nuts frozen to a front porch (of course they stretch each time he tries to leave the porch, or it wouldn’t be funny now, would it?) You’ll get dogs humping poor Joe. You’ll get incest jokes. You’ll get people covered in feces. You’ll get “lighting farts on fire” jokes. You’ll get all kinds of stuff that will make you cringe. PG-13 has a new meaning – everyone under 13 in the theater was laughing hysterically, and everyone over 13 was either blushing, busy being embarassed about laughing, or slinking down even further into their seats.

It becomes obvious to everyone but Joe through the film that he was intentionally left behind at the Grand Canyon by his parents. Still, after 25 years, Joe feels the need to find them. The last 30 minutes of the movie focus on the resolution of his search, but you shouldn’t really care – this is just the stuff tacked on to the end to make this string of punchlines seem like a movie. Rest assured that the good guy will get the girl, the bad guy will get left in the dust, and everyone will live happily ever after – mullet or not.

On the way home from the movie, two buddies of mine and I sat around shot holes through the plot. At one point in the plot, Dirt runs into a nice old woman who decides to sell him her Hemi convertable for what he has in his pocket (chump change, at best). Why?

The whole plot of the movie is based off the fact that Joe cannot remember his parents last name. He remembers a conversation with his little sister where she says “Daddy hated you, that’s why he calls you Joe Dirt.” Dirt gets separated from his parents when he’s 8. He’s 8? And doesn’t know his parents last name? Why? This isn’t nit-picking, this is the crux of which the entire plot sits.

Speaking of Dirt’s sister (which is shown in every flashback of his childhood), where is she? The parents turn up, but no sister. You can’t set up a joke with no payoff. I’m sure somewhere there’s a scene with her on the cutting room somewhere.

At one point, an oil rig worker, after kicking Dirt’s ass, walks over and pee’s on a fire (for no reason whatsoever). Is this considered normal behavior in the oil field industry? The fire runs up his urine stream and ignites him on fire, all while Dirt smirks. Hee hee, people burning to death = co-me-dy!

Most disturbing (and upsetting) to me was the scene where Dirt and Kicking Wing (an Indian Friend he meets during his journey) fill a washtub full of lighter fluid and shoot Roman candles at it. The most disturbing thing about the scene was that I’ve never thought of doing this. I give Spade 2 months tops before some kid blows his house up copying this stunt and sues his ass.

Overall, the movie was okay. The jokes work okay and the plot is a way to tie them together, nothing more. Christopher Walken, Brittany Daniel, Rosanna Arquette, Jaime Pressly and Kid Rock all do a good job of acting like white trash. Erik Per Sullivan (Dewey, from Malcom in the Middle) does a good job as little Joe Dirt as well. Dennis Miller does a good of playing, well, himself. The movie’s soundtrack is a medley of 70’s guitar rock which I really enjoyed. If you liked The Wedding Singer’s constant barrage of 80’s memorabilia, you’ll love Joe Dirt’s constant tribute to butt rock – AC/DC shirts and Def Leppard posters appear at every turn. Muscle cars, mullets, and goatees appear at every turn.

David Spade was genius when paired up with Chris Farley, and makes a valient attempt here at carrying an entire film, but the challenge of making the orphaned Dirt likable may be too much for even the Great Sarcastic One. Spade is funniest when slashing down people with his quick wit, something we never get to see in Joe Dirt. Spade stretches out here and plays a new style of character here, one that for the most part made me wistfully remember how funny he “used to be.”

Very few people who have watched the show Jackass feel indifferent about it either you think a bunch of dudes sitting around pulling pranks and hurting each other is a funny concept, or you dont. Love it or hate it, Jackass launched a thousand copycats and changed the landscape of television forever. Whether or not you think thats a good thing is a different story.

Jackass: The Boxset includes four DVDs: Volumes One, Two and Three, as well as a fourth bonus disc. While Volumes Two and Three have been previously available separately in stores, the box set marks the debut of the previously missing in action Volume One compilation. The Bonus DVD is a box set exclusive.

Each of the three Jackass volumes contain close to a hundred skits and range somewhere between 90 and 120 minutes. Most of the skits are a minute or two in length, which makes the discs running times seem even longer. Each skit is a separate chapter, which makes navigating the discs a breeze.

And speaking of skits, all the classics are here. If you missed Johnny Knoxville getting kicked in the crotch by school children, Bam Margera shooting his father with a paintball gun or Ryan Dunn jumping in to a giant vat of unprocessed sewage, youll get to see them all here in pure DVD glory. All the footage contained was shot on handheld DV cameras and looks as good as its ever going to. The video is full-screen and audio is stereo, just like when the episodes aired.

Each of the three volumes also contain a commentary track. I was initally disappointed to discover that each commentary track only covers the first half of each disc, but after hearing them it didnt really matter. Each of the commentary tracks consist of a dozen or so Jackass members all talking (or usually yelling) over one another at the same time. The majority of the commentary is so jumbled its like listening to a bunch of drunks at a party in the next apartment. Its terrible. On top of that, every persons name mentioned in the track (except for the people in the room) is bleeped out, so entire conversations become huge sections of beeps combined with people yelling. Coming from someone who enjoys both the Jackass show and DVD commentary tracks in general, I found the entire thing annoying, grating and pointless.

The bonus disc contains the Gumball Rally special (with another drunken commentary), the MTV Jackass Cribs episode, two never before seen skits (nothing great), a couple of award appearances, and a photo gallery. The best feature on the disc is the inappropriately titled Where Are They Now documentary, which actually spends most of its time focusing on the backstory behind Jackass (Big Brother magazine, CKY, and more). Anyone remotely interested in the show will enjoy the new documentary.

Jackass: The Boxset includes just about everything you could possibly want that ever appeared on the television show. While not all of the shows skits appear here, I couldnt think of any missing that I was dying to see. For $40, youll get all the bodily fluids and physical comedy you could ever possibly want.

There are probably as many different kinds of bad movies as there are bad movies themselves. There are bad movies that don’t know they’re bad. There are bad movies that are so bad, they’re good, and there are bad movies so bad, they’re, well, bad. There are multi-million dollar bad movies, and there are shoestring budget bad movies.

Inbred Rednecks falls somewhere in the “low budget bad movie with a sense of humor” zone. Joshua P. Warren (born and raised in North Carolina) wrote, produced, directed, filmed, scored, edited, and starred (along with many other locals) in Inbred Rednecks. The movie, which was shot on 16mm and released direct to video, tells the story of four rednecks and one extremely large cock.

Billy Bob has the largest cock ever seen in North Carolina. Yes, it’s a rooster, with half human and half rooster DNA (guess how THAT happened). “Bigass Rooster” (yes, really its name) has been primed to be the cock fighting champion of the south. After whooping Monty and his champion cock (Demon, Monty’s rooster, actually commits suicide during the cock fight), Billy Bob, along with his friends Joe Bob, Bubba, and Clovis, set out to get rich by exploiting this one very large rooster. Unfortunately, Monty later steals Bigass Rooster, which sends the inbred foursome on a search for their extremely large, and now missing, cock.

And that’s pretty much the plot of the movie, which has somehow been drawn out to a (sometimes painful) two hours and fifteen minutes. Along the way the rednecks have adventures, like running an old, retarded moped-riding guy off the road, and throwing a cup full of “chewin’ spit” onto a passing jogger. Of course we can’t forget Sweetmeat the Midget, a waiter at the local bar who eventually has a “midget fit” and later has an untimely death in an auto/midget collision. “What if a midget was really big and mad, then he could probably kick your ass,” the rednecks ponder amongst themselves in a moment of (somewhat) inbred-lucidity.

Here is where my review splits into two parts — the “real movie review” section, and the “b-movie review” section.

[Real Movie Review]
If you are expecting anything resembling a movie from a major motion picture company, you will soon realize how long two hours and fifteen minutes can seem. The video quality varies from bad to really bad — the fact that the DVD was transferred from a video tape doesn’t help it’s case much. The audio suffers from even more problems. For starters, for most of the film, the dialogue comes through only my right speaker, while the cheezy synth added music only comes through the left — I’m doubting this is what they had in mind when they designed “surround sound”. At least one scene had some ADR (voice dubbing) that didn’t even come close to lining up to the character’s mouth movements. On top of all that, the acting is pretty bad all the way through, with most of the actors overacting (especially with facial expressions), especially Billy Bob and Monty, who overact in almost every scene they’re in.

The biggest problem with the film isn’t the amount of boom mics, stage lights, or duct tape seen in practically every scene; it’s the pacing and editing. The editing isn’t bad for an amateur effort, but while watching the film I found myself fast forwarding through scenes that are just too damn long. In one particular drawn-out joke, one redneck asks another if he would cut his pinky off for a billion dollars. Then he asks his friend if he would he cut off his “peter” for a billion dollars. Then he asks if he would “suck a dick” for a billion dollars. Then he asks if he would do it for a million dollars, Then a hundred thousand. Then a hundred bucks. It drags on, and on, and on. I began to feel like I was watching someone’s home movies. It’s like every second of footage they shot is still in the final cut. That’s one five or six minute joke that could be cut down to 30 seconds, easily. Another scene, where Bubba goes into a grocery store to try and buy condoms without being seen, is literally five minutes long. I checked the timer on my DVD player. Five minutes is a long ass scene, especially when the payoff joke isn’t worth the time invested. Many five and ten minute adventures in the film could have been edited WAY down, or cut entirely. With too many long, drawn-out scenes, you end up getting tired and bored, waiting for the joke to end and the next segment to begin. The movie contains too many one-off jokes that don’t do anything for the plot (except slow it down).

Finally, people who are used to mainstream movies will probably get offended at some of the jokes found in Inbred Rednecks. While the “cock” jokes are funny (even though they get driven into the ground pretty quickly), all of the gay bashing and stereotypes will leave most viewers blushing or offended. Except the midget jokes, of course — midget jokes are always funny.

One last thought — can anyone explain to me why in a movie that is supposed to take place over a week or two, no one changes clothes? Do rednecks never change clothes? Who knew?

[B-Movie Review]
Inbred Rednecks is bad in the way it was intended to be. And while it’s not the greatest film ever made, it’s most likely better than anything you’ve ever done. I’m sure putting together a 2+ hour film with no budget is quite the undertaking, and regardless of quality, the guys were able to pull it off. Sure, the film has some pacing problems and the quality isn’t the same as what you’d see in a theater, but it’s a decent effort and the end result is a movie that, while not great, is representative of a home grown B movie. Some of the jokes work, and would probably be most enjoyed with some friends, some hot wings, and lots and lots of beer.

Here is where the review splits joins back together.

Inbred Rednecks is available on DVD from, among other places, Best Buy and Netflix. The DVD version, while not offering viewers the increase in audio and video we’re used to, does have a three bonus items. The first is “Joshua P. Warren’s guide to B-movie making,” in which Warren shells out a nickle’s worth of free advice about how to organize and film low budget films. The second extra is a long collection of extra footage, cut scenes, and interviews with the cast and crew. The third big extra is a commentary track, which consists of Warren and three fellow cast members. In one of the most annoying features of all time on any DVD ever, the commentary begins about three minutes before the movie. If you’re listening to the commentary track, you’re staring at a black screen for three minutes. If you’re NOT listening to the commentary track and just watching the movie, you’re treated to a black screen WITH NO AUDIO for three minutes. On my Pioneer DVD-525, there was no way to skip through the blackness. I tried jumping chapters, fast forwarding … nothing. Boy, there’s nothing like getting your audience excited about your film like making them sit through three minutes of darkness and silence. Whee! Anyway, the commentary track is okay — nothing Earth shattering is revealed, and much like the movie, suffers from some quality issues (four people using one microphone, crunching ice from a cup, and passing around a bong make for one long, interesting commentary track).

For those who enjoy cheaply made B movies, Inbred Rednecks might be the Holy Grail you’re looking for. With enough friends and enough beer, Inbred Rednecks could be one of the most enjoyable bad movies you’ve ever seen. Without said friends and beer, it’s possible this is the worst film I’ve ever seen — in a good way, of course.

It’s hard to imagine that everyone who worked on the production of this film didn’t kill themselves upon viewing the final product. Of course, most of the people listed as actors in this film don’t show that they’ve worked on any other films on the Internet Movie Database, so maybe they did the world a favor and did just that.

The first half of Igor and the Lunatics reads like a Charles Manson biography. Paul Byron is a hippie cult leader who moves his followers out of the city and to his ranch which lies just outside of town. He keeps their loyalty by pumping them full of illegal drugs, having sex with all the women in the compound, and pretending to be a religious figure. Somehow he is made out to be the bad guy in the fil. All of this follows Charles Manson’s life story so closely, I wouldn’t have been surprised to see followers named Squeaky or Tex Watson in this cinematic catastrophe. Paul, for the record, is NOT Igor.

Because of a few measley murders that Paul and his followers have committed, pesky local cops begin to investigate, and soon Paul is arrested and serving 16 years in prison. The moment he’s released, his loyal minions (and Jesus, are they loyal or what, waiting 16 years for their leader to get out of prison!!) are there waiting to pick him up and wage war against the town who dared put their leader in prison.

Unfortunately, they never really get around to that. For the most part, Paul just ends up killing people near him or unfortunate civilians who wander too close to their wooden hideout.

This whole story is being told via a flashback by a chick who is reading a book left behind by her husband (Jimmy). Jimmy, who had a run in with these guys years earlier, has now decided he must go kill Paul. No, her husband isn’t Igor either. If all this doesn’t sound dumb enough by itself, Jimmy had a child with his girlfriend that Paul is convinced is his too) — the child is known as “the boy” and he was left behind at the big police raid of the compound. “The Boy” was discovered by “Hawk”, an indian who dresses in camoflauge and runs around in the woods waving a crossbow at people. Soon, the cultists, the people reading the notes, Hawk and his friends and everyone else in the entire cast are out trying to kill each other using knives, swords, machettes, grappling hooks, and anything else these idiots could afford on their shoestring budget.

“How could it be your kid, Paul? Don’t you know women don’t give birth after only five months? You dummy …” – Jimmy.

Igor, for those who are still wondering, is one of Paul’s followers, a mentally unstable fellow who was kept chained to a tree until the day he broke his chains with a rock and became one of Paul’s best killers. Yeah, I know. For that matter, only one person even says the word “Lunatic” throughout the entire film. So, Igor and the Lunatics should have really been called Paul and his Killing Spree — but then again that’s why I don’t work in marketing I suppose.

The opening scene, a murder where Paul and two of his followers (again, no Igor) follow a defecting worshipper to a saw mill where they show her boobies to the camera a lot before tying her to a plank and sawing her in half with a big saw mill saw. The directors must have been pretty proud of the footage, because half an hour into the film they show the entire ten minute scene again as a flashback. ARGH! The special effects here were pretty good, and even though it made no sense and was horribly acted, it was probably my favorite scene in the movie. The first time, not the second time.

Igor and the Lunatic’s 80-something minute running time seemed like 612 minutes — that’s figuring that each minute was so painfull to watch, each minute seemed like five minutes. The scene they showed twice seemed like twenty minutes, each bad killing seemed five times as long as it really was, and every scene where you would ask, “why the fuck is this happening?” seemed three times as long as it actually was. The credits seemed to be pretty much normal speed. (The preceeding joke was roughly based on The Jerk, a film I wish I was watching instead of this one.)

If you were to write down the major plot points of this movie, you would just laugh to yourself over and over. Like, the main couple meet “The Boy” because he breaks into their apartment … to look at her artwork. When he is caught, he runs to escape and twists his ankle. The woman, who was chasing him away from her apartment, carries him (guess) back to her apartment.

The trailer to Igor and the Lunatics (which appears on several Troma DVDs) was much more entertaining than the movie itself. With the scenes placed out of sequence and with no dialogue, the story almost becomes presentable. If you plan on watching the movie and not just the trailer, I would recommend bringing copious amounts of alcohol or other mind altering substances to make the plot more coherent. The special effects are laughable (saran wrap over a window does NOT look like glass, folks), the dialogue is deplorable, the acting reminds me of people trying NOT to seem realistic, … the plot sinks lower than most old Saturday morning cartoons, and despite repeated washings, I cannot rid my hands of the stench of this film.

A must see for all fans of B-horror.