The Armadillo Café is an old run down diner that sits off of old Route 66 out in the middle of the desert. Newer Interstates have rerouted traffic away from the diner, but enough people still stop in for coffee and to look at the roadside oddities the place has collected in order to keep the bills paid.

The film opens as Sarah, a wayward traveler, stops by the café on a dark and stormy night. The café has no power (the thunderstorm has knocked it out) and the place is filled with creepy stuffed animals and weird roadside attractions, but that doesnt stop Sarah from going right in and nosing around. Eventually she is greeted by Billie, a blonde-haired girl who dreams of someday leaving the café but for now apparently runs the joint and is stuck both physically and emotionally in the middle of nowhere.

Throughout the beginning of the film, director/writer J.S. Cardone plays tricks with us. We as viewers are not sure who is creepier, the visitor or the visited. But as the plot unfolds we learn that Billie is actually the least nutty in a family of nutjobs. Her brother Wyatte is a dimwit, her other brother Jesse is a violent drunk, and then theres mom, the hard-drinking and certifiably nutso leader of the kooky clan. Before long Sarah is bound, gagged, threatened at gunpoint and then the real fun begins.

Mummy An the Armadillo isnt as much horror as it is psychological thriller and I use the word thriller loosely. The so-called plot twists are more obvious than a single café along a lone stretch of highway. The film is apparently an adaptation from a play, a fact that is obvious while watching the film as the majority of the film takes place in one room. I thought the acting was good for a small budget feature. While the set decorations are nice, one is constantly reminded this is a low budget production by the fact that the exterior shots of the café are embarrassingly bad.

Like many low budget horror films there are plot holes one could walk a herd of armadillos through. For example, at the end of the first act Sarah (the visitor) and Billie (the café waitress) decide it would be okay if Billie borrows Sarahs car to run some errands around town while Sarah stays and minds the store. Really? And this scene takes place only a few minutes after the local sheriff stops by to let everyone know the roads are flooded so bad that everyone should stay put for the night. This also takes place after Billie learns that Sarah is lying to her about her name and background, so Im not sure which is less believable the customer who is on a road trip loaning her car to a complete stranger who runs a run down café which sits out in the middle of the desert and is filled with dead animals and mummies, or the diner waitress who leaves complete strangers who have been caught in multiple lies in charge of the cash register as she goes off to run around town in the middle of a rain storm.

Mummy An the Armadillo isnt a bad film, but it does misrepresent itself. I probably would have enjoyed it more had I known going into it that it was a psychological thriller instead of the horror slasher film it pretends to be. I dont know that I would go out of my way to see this film, but I wouldnt go out of my way to avoid it either.

Oh, and if youre looking for a mummy movie or an armadillo movie, forget it.

Old Man Nebbercracker is the cranky old man we all had somewhere in our neighborhoods growing up. You don’t knock on his door, you don’t step foot on his lawn, and if a toy happens to fly over his fence, kiss it goodbye. On the eve of Halloween, three neighborhood chums (DJ, Chowder and Jenny) begin to unravel the secrets of the Monster House. It’s not just Old Man Nebbercracker, the house itself is alive — and hungry!

Monster House is just plain fun. Apparently using the same motion capture techniques as Polar Express, the animation in Monster House is believable without trying to look realistic. The result is an animated film with a storybook look and a kid-friendly feel. But don’t let that fool you — by the third act, things get pretty out of control, and while older kids might enjoy the thrill ride, younger tots might get a bit scared by the house.

The film’s voice acting is top notch. DJ (Mitchel Musso, Aang from Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender, Chowder (Sam Lerner) and Jenny (Spencer Locke, Phil of the Future) all do great jobs as the film’s central characters. Bigger names were brought in for the surrounding characters: Steve Buscemi (Nebbercracker), Catherine O’Hara (Mom), Fred Willard (Dad), Maggie Gyllenhaal (Z, the babysitter), Jason Lee (Bones, her boyfriend), Nick Cannon (as Officer Lister), Jon “Napoleon Dynamite” Heder (as Reginald “Skull” Skulinski) and Kathleen Turner (as Constance) each deliver believable supporting roles that bring the story to life and give depth to the film.

There’s a love triangle, some humor, some frights, some adventure, and a classic battle between good and evil. More importantly, unlike several of the recent animated films I’ve sat through there aren’t a hundred pop culture references thrown in, dating the movie. Monster House is good, original family fun.

Expect a Halloween DVD release.

It might surprise you to learn that some of the most cutting edge graphics, sound and programming created on computers doesnt appear in off-the-shelf videogames, but rather in the form of computer demos non-interactive programs coded by gifted artists, who do so for no other reason than to show the world what they (and the machines they love) are capable of.

Computer demos actually got their start in the form of cracking/intro loader screens. In the early days of computing, when programs were cracked (had their copy protection removed), crackers would often add an intro (a multimedia page of credits) that displayed each time the program was run. Many early intros were simply comprised of plain text and no graphics; later, intros became more technically advanced, adding graphical logos, music, and scrolling text in which cracking groups boasted about their skills and greeted (and/or taunted) their friends and fellow groups.

Over time these multimedia loaders began to grow in complexity and size, and eventually groups began releasing their works as stand alone demos. While demos have been created for virtually every platform you can imagine, from the vintage Atari 2600 to the computers and consoles of today, the two largest demo scenes belong to the IBM PC and Commodore Amiga platforms. Not coincidently, these are the two platforms covered in Fusecons Mindcandy DVD series.

Mindcandy Volume 1: PC Demos (2003)

The first Mindcandy volume contains 42 demos written for and presented on the IBM PC. The DVD is two-sided, with old school demos on one side of the disc and more recent demos on the other. The division between the two eras is a logical one. Earlier demos are triumphs in programming prowess. Each one shows a new technique, or improves upon an old one. In general, the older demos show coders pushing machines to their limits. As computers evolved over time, so did computer demos. As computers became more powerful, demos became less about feats of coding and more about design, atmosphere, and aesthetics.

Knowing that all the demos presented on this DVD are public domain and free to download and watch on your own computer, the immediate question becomes, why would a person spend fifteen dollars to view them on their television? Here are three compelling reasons that came to mind the minute I began watching Mindcandy.

From someone who has followed the demo scene for many years, I can assure you that getting many of the older demos included on this DVD to run on your computer is not as simple as you might think. Most DOS-based demos used very specific hardware and software tricks, many of which simply do not work correctly on computers running Windows. Yes, it is possible to view some of them using DOSBox or other DOS-emulators, but not all of them will run accurately, and youre also talking about some serious technical tweaking and configuration to get many of them to run properly. The guys at Fusecon have gone to great lengths to ensure that the video and audio presented on the DVD appears accurately on both the old and new demos.

Another advantage to watching them on a DVD is just that; you can watch them in your living room on your large television and surround sound stereo system (the DVD includes 5.1 remixes of the demos as well). You can also pause, rewind, and (God forbid) fast forward as necessary.

Probably the biggest selling point of this DVD is the commentary tracks that accompany each demo. Each commentary track explains why that particular demo was chosen for the video and what makes it unique. Many of the demos contain commentary from the original programmers and groups; where the original creators were unavailable, the Mindcandy staff fills in and does a terrific job. Personally I found all the demos more enjoyable with the commentary tracks. Hearing about some of the hardware limitations that had to be overcome and the tricks used to create some of these effects made the demos even more enjoyable and interesting to watch.

One final feature I feel compelled to mention is the included sixteen-minute featurette Demographics, which explains, in laymans terms, the computer demo scene. I would consider it mandatory viewing for anyone not intimately familiar with computer demos. Even though I have been watching demos for many years, I found the featurette both entertaining and informative.

Mindcandy Volume 2: Amiga Demos (2007)

The second Mindcandy compilation introduces viewers to the world of Amiga demos. The Commodore Amiga, originally released in 1985, was a multimedia powerhouse. Its graphical processing power and four-channel stereo sound chip were years ahead of anything else on the market. Many early 8-bit demo groups upgraded to the Amiga platform when it was first introduced twenty years ago, and new demos are still being produced for the platform today.

Considering the fact that the Amiga hardware platform has not substantially changed in over twenty years, the improvements seen throughout the thirty chronologically-presented videos on Mindcandy: Volume 2 are astounding. Some improvements involve refining a technique; others introduce completely new techniques and ideas. It is interesting to watch as new ideas introduced in demos, and quickly improved upon by others. Even though the majority of the demos use the same general palette of effects (vectors, bitmaps, scrollers, music, raytraced animations, rotating zooms, starfields, layers, and so forth), it is fascinating to see how different groups used those ideas and came up with such wildly different results.

Again, additional commentary tracks (provided by either the demo groups themselves, the Mindcandy staff, or multiple guest commentators) give viewers insight as to why particular demos were chosen for the video, specific techniques and tricks that were used in the creation of the demos, and some behind the scenes information. Occasionally, one of the programmers will explain why the Amiga could not possibly do what you are watching it do on screen, only to then explain to you how they got around a particular hardware limitation. In one commentary track, a coder discusses some of the custom applications that his group wrote in order to assist with the demo-creating process. In another, an artist reveals that the animation presented within a particular demo was drawn by hand at a rate of one frame per hour; at 30 frames per second, you can begin to understand the amount of work that goes into these digital works of art.

Mindcandy: Volume 2 includes a featurette that documents Breakpoint 2003, a demoparty that takes place each year in Germany. While the mini-documentary was interesting to watch, I found the Demographics featurette (from Mindcandy: Volume 1) to be more informative. While the Breakpoint footage was interesting to watch (never having been to a demoparty myself), I cant imagine watching it a second time.

A second featurette (inconspicuously titled Production Notes) gives viewers a look into exactly how the demos were captured and the processes used to get them from an Amiga monitor to your DVD player. No emulators were used throughout the process (the reasoning is explained) , and the results are plain to see. If nowhere else, this featurette truly conveys the amount of care that went into this obvious labor of love.

Summary

Both volumes of Mindcandy are incredibly artistic and professional looking packages that include twelve-page color booklets, multiple animated menus and original menu music from the demo scene that is in addition to the featurettes, the commentary tracks, and of course the demos themselves. With a running time of approximately four hours for Volume One and three hours for Volume Two, there is literally no reason why any fan of computer demos, graphics, music, or animation should not literally go to Amazon.com this very second and purchase both volumes of Mindcandy. Mmm, mindcandy. It tastes so good.

Note: Breakpoint, the demoparty featured in Mindcandy: Volume 2, will take place again in Germany the first weekend in April, 2007. Those of you in the US might be more interested in Blockparty, a large demoparty being throw in Cleveland, Ohio the last weekend of April later this year.

There is a definate art to bad film making. Anyone can make a movie so rotten that no one will watch it, but there’s a special art in creating a film that is so God awful, that people feel impelled to keep watching. Maybe it’s because they’re hoping it might get better, or maybe it’s because they want to see just how bad it can get. Soon, bad jokes become good jokes, bad acting becomes enjoyable, and bad plots just, well, get worse. But when you’re in the right mood (which usually begins with a few rum and cokes), these bad movies can become pretty darn enjoyable. And like crabs, your suffering can be somewhat lifted in knowing that you have shared your pain with another. Taking your girlfriend or wife or some other loved one to the theater and catching a bad movie is no fun – it’s an experience that really has to be shared with “the guys”, or whoever those friends are that take delight in farting near others and don’t think twice about “double dipping” or “backwash.” Of course, the best is when you can shock even THOSE friends with a movie so bad, so horrible, so devilishly agonizing, that even the movie’s title evokes images of “two thumbs down”.

And that movie, my friends, is Microwave Massacre.

Construction worker “Donald” has some issues. His biggest problem is his wife “May” who treats him like crap. She even treats her little “drop-kick” dog better than she treats Donald. His biggest bone with her is the new microwave she has purchased, for the purpose of cooking new “cuisine”. One day, when Donald has had enough, he kills May, cuts her up, and sticks her in the freezer. In one of those wacky movie moments that goes down into cult history, he accidently makes a meal out of May, and decides … hey, she’s pretty good! Donald acquires a liking to the taste, and pretty soon he’s hitting the streets at night, searching for ladies of tonight to become the sandwich of tomorrow.

When Donald looks down at the stripper in front of him and says, “I’m so hungry, I could eat a whore,” groans filled my living room. The jokes (most of which are written with 15 year old boys in mind) don’t get much better. You’ve got the black guy who has no rhythm, who’s being taught to be cool by the greasy white guy. You’ve got people eating human meat, not knowing what it is, and liking it. And, you’ve got knockers. Yes folks, lots and lots of boobage. I mean, for a while I felt like I was watching an R Rated Benny Hill episode or something. There’s one chick who keeps showing up outside of Donald’s construction site, just to stick her breasts through the holes in the fence. It’s not within the capacity of the male human mind to question … just watch and enjoy.

I first saw Microwave Massacre I was about 10, and had rented it from Kaleidascope Video (RIP), which we knew as “the video place that rents adult movies to minors.” Other than late night cable, this was the best boobage we had seen to date. Looking back now, I think I have such a soft space in my heart for the movie because I feel like *I* discovered it. This was pre-internet; no one told me about the movie, I just found it, rented it, and the rest was history. Over the years, I probably invested enough money in rentals to buy it several times over. Microwave Massacre was probably the movie responsible for turning me onto bad movies.

Earlier this year, Kaleidascope Video went out of business. I stopped by, as they were having a going out of business sale. As an adult, I can see that Kaleidascope had turned into the “we’re never leaving the 80’s” movie rental place. For a buck each, I picked up Rad, Thrashin’, Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja Terminator, and many more. I spent everything I had in my pocket, close to $40, and wished that I had had four hundred more. And yes, there, almost glowing in the dusty, musty back corner of the horror section, next to all six Faces of Death movies (yes, I bought them as well) was Microwave Massacre. Probably the same copy of the wretched film I had first seen when I was 10 years old.

And so, next to my television in a special little nook reserved for the worst 80’s horror films, in between Chopping Mall and Silent Night, Deadly Night sits Microwave Massacre, the only film I know that mixes cooking technology with cannibalism. It’s comedy meets horror at it’s worst. And, according to the Internet Movie Database, it’s one of the five worst films of all time.

If you’re looking for a film to show you just who your true friends are, rent Microwave Massacre and invite all your pals over. The ones that come back next time are your true friends.

The best documentaries come from people who know and love their subjects, and Sam Dunn knows and loves metal. From the documentary’s opening introduction during which Dunn relays stories of leaping from his front porch while playing air guitar, you realize that Dunn “gets it,” and the goal of this film is to help you “get it” too, or at least get why other people “get it” — got it? Good.

Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey takes a look at heavy-metal through the eyes of a true metal head. The documentary is broken up into bite-sized topics (lyrics, death, religion/Satanism, etc.) which are each represented by a chapter. The film spends a lot of time discussing the different subgenres of metal (power metal, glam metal, death metal, and so on) and travels to different locations (the Wacken Festival and Norway, for example) to cover metal-related events. The documentary is just more than one fan’s opinion about metal, as it contains interviews with metal musicians such as Bruce Dickenson (Iron Maiden), Kerry King (Slayer) Ronnie James Dio, Alice Cooper, Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine), Dee Snyder (Twisted Sister), Vince Neil (Motley Crue), Slipknot, Rob Zombie, and many more.

The documentary’s strongest point is also its weakest: Sam Dunn. Dunn does a great job of conveying his enthusiasm of all that is metal throughout the film. During Dunn’s screentime you can tell that this guy loves metal. The problem is that Dunn’s love of metal gets in the way of any objectiveness of the topic at hand. The documentary wavers between “a history of metal” and “Sam Dunn’s love of metal.” Don’t expect Bob Larsen or any other anti-rock fans to show up here.

As far as the history of metal goes there’s not a lot of new information here. The interviews provide some interesting fodder and overall the documentary is more enjoyable than it is informative. A second included DVD includes uncut interviews, cut footage (including an interview with Pantera), and more data. While Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey won’t win over any non-metal fans, they might find themselves enjoying the film. Even if you’re not a metal head, after watching this documentary hopefully you’ll at least understand why some of us are.

Men In Black II reminds me of Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. If you saw the first one, there won’t be a lot of surprises for you in the second one. You know the setting, you know the characters, all that’s needed is to pour in a plot and boom, instant flick. Men In Black II is “that” film.

First of all, like Dark City and several other movies (that one just comes to mind), Hollywood has decided that we, the viewing public, are far too stupid to figure out any plot whatsoever. Therefore, the first three minutes of the movie are presented as an old midnight sci-fi television show, based on “the supposedly true events” (which do in fact turn out to be true) of an incident that happened 25 years ago. It’s a cheap and lazy form of exposition which lays out the entire outline of the film. The television show tells the quick story of some aliens who came to Earth and tried to hide “the light of the universe” here. Then, an evil alien found them here looking to steal the light. The light was shot in a rocket off the planet (or was it?), foiling the bad alien’s evil plans. And, cue music.

Since we last saw the Men in Black, Agent J (Will Smith) has become the best employee of the agency. He has been through several agents, none of which have been able to deal with the pressures of being a secret agent. His current partner, Agent T (Patrick Warburton, aka the live action Tick) is cracking under the pressure as well, and so Agent J gives him the “flashy thingy” treatment and heads back to MIB HQ in search of yet another partner. Rip Torn reprises his role as Agent Z, who temporarily assigns Frank (the talking pug dog from the first film) as J’s partner.

Of course, there’s some twenty-five year time limit on finding this light or the whole universe explodes or some such crisis, and in timely fashion, the evil worm-alien (who disguises him/herself as a supermodel in the form of Lara Flynn Boyle) shows up two days before D day to shake down some Earthlings and find “the light”.

Of course (there’s a lot of “of courses” throughout this review — on purpose) the person who sent the light away from Earth (or did he?) was none other than Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones). Now, the only person who can put the puzzle together and save the Earth (along with the universe) is Agent K, who if you’ll recall had his memory erased at the end of the last movie, and is currently working in the post office. Once the two are reunited, it’s up to them to save the universe within the next 24 hours — of course. Wackiness ensues.

In cahoots with Lara Flynn Boyle is Johnny Knoxville, of Jackass fame. Knoxville plays a moronic two headed alien (his normal head plus a slightly smaller, CGI version of himself that comes out of his backpack) who adds nothing to the movie, not even decent comic relief — and this is coming from a Knoxville fan. Besides Knoxville, Michael Jackson, Biz Markee, and a few others make minor cameo appearances. I’m sure I saw special effects guru Rick Baker from the back in the MIB HQ scene as well, but I couldn’t find him in the credits. I’d know those silver stripes anywhere.

One thing I was thankful for was that most of the clips shown in the trailer were within the first 10 minutes of the movie, so I didn’t feel like I had seen the whole movie before. Well, let me clarify that, I have seen this movie before when it was the first Men In Black film, but I digress.

Many of the jokes and surprises in MIB II are just rehashes from the first film reversed, as Jones’ character is now the new guy on the block. Will Smith’s car now turns into a plane, instead of just a rocket car. Smith gives Jones the tiny pea-shooter gun, like Jones did Smith in the first film. Ha ha!

No big surprises here. It’s the same characters on a new adventure. Good for a few chuckles and light-hearted viewing, but certainly won’t be the blockbuster the first one was.

March of the Penguins has won dozens of awards, including an Academy Award in 2006 for Best Documentary Feature. At best, I thought it was okay. Then again, I recently gave The Corpse Grinders two thumbs up. To each their own.

March of the Penguins follows the breeding cycle of Antarctic Emperor Penguins. The gist of the film (and Ill save you an hour and a half here) is that the penguins walk 70 miles inland to copulate and lay eggs, then split up so that the mother can walk 70 miles back to the ocean and feed while the father sits on the egg. Eventually the mother penguins return, at which point the male penguins head back to the ocean, this time for good. Eventually the mother penguins leave as well, leaving the baby penguins on their own to grow up, move to the ocean, and eventually (hopefully) grow old enough to continue the mating cycle on their own.

In typical nature-documentary style, the film is fairly slow paced. Save for a few sea lion and a pesky penguin-eating bird of prey, theres not much action within the film. If viewing with youngsters, be prepared to explain why at least a few penguins (both adults and babies) go to sleep during the winter and dont wake up. There are more than a couple of shots meant to tug at your heart.

It would be stupid for me to call this a bad film; its not. Its a documentary that focuses on how far penguins walk to lay eggs, and on a bigger scale, the strange and ritualistic customs that animals go through to survive. From that, you should be able to tell whether or not this films for you.

If nothing else, every penguin in captivity should watch this film in order to remember just how good they have it. Eating fish from a bucket is a pretty laid back gig compared to walking 210 miles (70 miles, three times) in 80-degree-below-zero temperatures in order to lay an egg.

There are good movies and there are bad movies. There are movies that are intended to be good but turn out bad, and movies that are so bad that they end up being good. Somewhere in the middle lies The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, the 2001 film shot in the style of those “so bad they’re good” sci-fi classics from the classic drive-in era.

At first glance the movie appears to originate from that era. Originally shot in in MiniDV format, the film has been digitally converted to black and white and manipulated to look older than it really is. The plot harkens back to the midnight budget films from that era as well. A series of coincidences has led three separate couples to the same location, searching for the ultra-rare radioactive element “atmosphereum”. Scientist Paul Armstrong and his wife Betty are searching for a meteor filled with atmosphereum, which has crashed in a field. Kro-Bar and his wife Lattis, two aliens from the planet Marva who have crash landed on Earth and need atmosphereum to repair their rocket. And then there’s Dr. Roger Fleming, the mad scientist who needs atmosphereum to bring the titular Lost Skeleton of Cadavra back to life. Thrown into the mix later are Animala, the “half woman/half four other forest animals” dancing queen, and “The Mutant”, a horrible-looking creature whose costume gives Sigmund the Sea Monster a run for his money.

With dialogue like “I’m a scientist. I don’t believe in anything,” and “All Skeltons are against me! Even when I was a child I was hated by skeletons,” director/writer/actor Larry Blamire has created an homage to bad sci-fi movies of the past. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra had a limited release in theaters in 2001, but where the film truly comes to life is in its final destination, DVD.

With more buttons than a Marvanian spaceship, the special features portion of the DVD is packed full of options and extras. All the standard options are included — the film’s trailer, previews of other films, and even a short musical skeleton-related cartoon entitled Skeleton Frolic. Also included is a blooper reel, which includes dozens of line flubs and out-of-character crack ups. There’s also a clip titled “Obey the Lost Skeleton” that is behind the scenes featurette, which unfortunately covers a lot of the same ground as the commentary tracks.

Fans of commentary tracks will find not one but two movie-length commentaries. The first is the “Director and Crew Commentary”, where all the technical aspects of making a new-old movie are covered. This track contains valuable information for anyone who’s into DIY filmmaking. The second commentary reunites the cast and allows them to share their experiences, memories and stories about being involved in the film. In addition to these, there’s also a lengthy Q&A included from the American Cinematheque which the cast and crew participated in.

Disc quality varies from feature to feature. Anyone looking for actual technical glitches will find many (too much video compression?), but the film is so goofy that it’s hard to take anything (including the digital quality) too seriously.

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra is fun in that bad sort of way if you don’t mind the fact that it was made bad on purpose. It seems to me there are so many bad movies out there already that we don’t need to be making new ones. The extras are interesting if you’re interested in making your own b-movie or want to know what inspires good actors to act poorly. I can’t imagine watching the film itself too many times, but it would be a nice one to have on the shelf in case someone ever wants to bet you that they have a worse movie than you do.

Lords of Dogtown is Hollywood’s adaptation of the 2001 skateboard documentary Dogtown and Z-Boys. Dogtown and Z-Boys was such an entertaining and informative documentary that before viewing Lords of Downtown I was wondering why on Earth it needed to be remade. After watching Lords of Dogtown, I was still wondering the same thing.

Lords of Dogtown (like Dogtown and Z-Boys) tells the story of the Zephyr Street Skate Team, a team of young surfers-turned-skaters assembled by a local surf shop in the late-1970s. Some of the members of this young team included Jay Adams, Tony Alva, and Stacy Peralta, all of which who would eventually become legends in the skateboarding community. But before they were legends they were punk kids skating the streets of Santa Monica, creating their own style of skateboarding that reflected their surfing roots.

While Lords of Dogtown is “based on a true story,” it’s a little hard to swallow when one of the main characters (Stacy Peralta) was also the writer. For example in the movie, Peralta wins first place at the 1975 Del Mar Nationals. In real life, he placed sixth. Once details like that emerge the entire story becomes suspect. The true story behind the Zephyr skate team was so enthralling to learn about that I felt like the “reinterpretation of facts” is simply a disservice.

The majority of the film focuses not on skateboarding but rather the familiar teen issues of acceptance and conflict. Like most hobbies, even the innocent sport of skateboarding turns ugly when sponsorships and money is on the line.

I would probably give Lords of Dogtown a five or six out of ten if it weren’t for the existance of Peralta’s previous documentary, which is more exciting, more dramatic, and frankly a better film.

So the other day I’m in this local pawn shop which usually only sells second hand musical instruments and third hand power tools, when I notice a stack of used DVD’s under one of the glass counters. At the bottom of the stack lies Adam Sandler’s DVD box set which includes the films Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, and Bulletproof. While examining the set I see that the front of the box says “$40” in grease pencil … which has a line through it and “$30” written directly below it … which also has a line through it, with “$25” written at the bottom.

To tell the truth, I’m not a huge Adam Sandler fan. I think in SNL-skit-length doses he’s tolerable, but his movie career has consisted of movies that, for the most part, are either stupid, silly, or just plain don’t make sense. I passed on The Waterboy, and only caught Big Daddy due to the fact it was on every movie channel for months at a time. After treading my way through the box set, and hearing friends’ rave reviews, I decided to rent Little Nicky and give Sandler another chance.

If you’ve ever said, “there’s no way in HELL I’ll ever watch another Sandler film,” you’ll enjoy the setting of his latest flick, Little Nicky. Sandler plays Little Nicky, the runt of Satan’s three children. Satan (Harvey Keitel) has reigned Hell over the past 10,000 years, and must choose which of his three children will follow in his footsteps. His choices are Adrian (Rhys Ifans), Cassius (Tom Lister Jr.), or Little Nicky, probably the nicest guy in Hell and the most seemingly normal of the bunch, albiet a little slow and blessed with a speech impediment after a “shovel incident”. Considering his choices, Satan makes probably the most rational decision of the film and decides that he will continue to reign Hell for another 10,000 years. This sends Adrian and Cassius into a rage, and they decide if they cannot rule Hell, the duo will head to Earth and will create their own Hell there. Unfortunately in the process of leaving, they freeze the gates of Hell, blocking all damned souls from entering. Daddy Satan begins to decompose, and he will totally disappear (a’la Michael J. Fox in Back To The Future) unless Little Nicky is able to go to Earth, capture the two renegade brothers in a whisky flask, and return to Hell with the brothers in tow within 7 days.

And thus, the adventure begins. Once on Earth, Nicky teams up with a talking dog (Robert Smigel, who is one of the most endearing characters of the flick), a couple of headbanger groupies (Peter Dante and Jonathan Loughran, who’s acting credits include the Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, and The Waterboy), roomate Todd (Allen Covert) who acts gay but isn’t (or is he …), and Valerie (Patricia Arquette), the dopey girlfriend who makes a perfect match for Nicky.

And while we’re name dropping … Little Nicky also stars (or at least features) Rodney Dangerfield, Reese Witherspoon, Dana Carvey, Jon Lovitz, Kevin Nealon, Michael McKean, Quentin Tarantino, Carl Weathers, Rob Schneider, Henry Winkler, Regis Philbin, Dan Marino, Mancow … and Ozzy Osbourne. How does a retard like Adam Sandler garner such friends and favors? Sure, the SNL alumni I understand, but Henry Winkler? It’s just like Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore is an idiot, and yet I always see him hanging out with the elite of Hollywood. Hanging out with Pauly Shore will get you nothing in life. Hell, BEING Pauly Shore hasn’t even got HIM a whole Hell of a lot in life. At least hanging out with Adam Sandler will get you … well, a cameo in an Adam Sandler film.

The plot meanders as does Nicky’s search for his brothers. Seeing as though his brothers can “possess” people and rarely look like themselves, it’s pretty amazing that he’s able to track them down so quickly in New York. For the record, I lose the TV remote in my house at least twice a day. That’s in one room, not all of New York. And, when I find it, it hasn’t taken on the shape of the aquarium or the sofa or even a different remote – it still looks like it did when I lost it. And speaking of surprises, I won’t sit here and pick apart the logistics of a Sandler comedy, but no one in the film is freaked out or even mildly surprised when Nicky’s pet dog talks to them. Maybe I’m in the outs here, apparently I’m the only one surprised that Adam Sandler (a guy who is famous for writing silly songs and being “Opera Man”) has a movie career. Back to the film though (and speaking of surprises), it’s amazing that no one Little Nicky introduces himself to as the son of Satan seems really surprised. When he’s flying around Manhattan and knocking on people’s 6th floor apartment windows, the most he gets is a shot of mace in the face – not a scream, yelp, or panicky person in site. And, in downtown Manhattan in mid-evening, there’s not a soul to be seen in the streets. The biggest surprise is that Little Nicky would be about to outwit anyone at all, much less his two older brothers who have been training for the legion of evil while Nicky has spent time making “metal compilation tapes” and playing air guitar in his room.

All nit-picking aside, this movie is probably dead on for it’s target audience – young, teenage, heavy-metal fans. And if you WERE one of those kids (and who here wasn’t?) you’ll at least get a few chuckles out of some of the gags (listening to backwards messages on a Chicago album comes to mind).

The film’s soundtrack contains many metal cliche’s – Linkin Park, Incubus, Filter, POD, and the Deftones all make appearances. Powerman 5000 seems to have replaced White Zombie as the metal soundtrack cliche by adding “When World’s Collide” to the mix. Disturbed and Cypress Hill add the only interesting tracks to the soundtrack, if that tells you anything.

The DVD contains several extra features, including 21 deleted scenes, two commentary tracks, a behind the scenes documentary, a heavy metal documentary titled “Satan’s Top 40”, and a music video from POD. To be honest, I didn’t make it through all the extras during my 2 day rental, although I did catch bits and pieces of each of them. The commentaries all seemed informative, I just couldn’t force myself to watch the movie more than once in two days. The deleted scenes were quite interesting – most of them seem to have been removed to drop Little Nicky from an R rating down to a PG-13. For example, in one scene during the movie, Satan’s two older offspring are seen playing darts. When they show the dart boards before the game begins, you can see that the center of the dart boards are actually people’s faces. When the dart throwing is going on, the game is shown from behind the dart boards, so you never see a dart actually stick into a person’s face. In the deleted scene, you get several shots of the people’s faces with darts sticking in them. Their faces are painted like bulls-eye’s so it’s funnier than it is violent, but they must’ve found it offensive. Several of the other violent scenes were trimmed down as well, such as when Nicky loses a “mind wrestling” game and spends a few minutes hitting his head on a table and punching himself in the crotch. And POD’s music video … I just don’t understand this band. They want to be the Latin version of Korn, they bill themselves as a Christian Band, and they lend their song and video to a movie about the devil and his children. Color me confused.

If you’re a hard-core Sandler fan, you’ll dig it (and have probably already seen it). If you’re a regular reader of White Trash Devil, you’ll probably get a few laughs out of the gags and enjoy the cameos. If you’re looking for high-brow humor or hard core evil, should should probably skip this Hellish nightmare.