In Horror Express, anthropologist Professor Alexander Saxton (Christopher Lee) finds what he believes is the missing link, still frozen and preserved in a chunk of ice. Claiming the find of the century, Saxton crates his find up to transport it back home via the Trans-Siberian railway (reaching from China to Russia). Unfortunately for all aboard the train, he forgets to pack the thing in ice, and soon the “missing link” has thawed out and is running amuck, killing passengers (and worse).

In one of the opening scenes, a lowly Chinese thief gets a little too close to the crate, and without warning his eyeballs are turned completely white, his brain is boiled, blood pours from his eye sockets, and he dies instantly. Everyone standing around the crate acts like this is a pretty normal occurance except for one holy man. “It is the work of SATAN!” he yells, but due to his heavy make up job and Confucious-like crepe-hair beard, people are more afraid of him than the death-issuing wooden crate of the eyeball bleeder lying at their feet. “I will prove it is unholy,” the man says as he pulls a piece of chalk out of his pocket and attempts to write on the crate. “You see,” he says to the crowd, “the chalk does not leave a mark. Whatever is in that crate is evil I say, EVILLLLLLLLL!”

Breaking out of “movie land” for a moment, let’s talk about this. Do you know how many materials there are on this Earth that chalk will not write on? How about A BUNCH! I’m guessing that the devil is not responsible for the majority of them. You don’t see the pope walking around the streets with a box of Crayola chalk, now do you? Priests wouldn’t need churches, just blackboard erasers!

Anyway, back to “la la movie land”. Also aboard the train is Dr. Wells (Peter Cushing). Wells is a rival of Saxton’s and is extremely curious about the crate brought onboard. So curious, in fact, that he bribes a bag handler to drill some holes in the crate and find out for him. It turns out to be a fatal mistake for Mr. baggage handler, who is quickly reduced to a pile of quivering flesh and gooey eye sockets by the creature.

Along the way we’re introduced to several characters, some of which are used for subplots, the rest of which appear as monster snacks. And just when the shit really starts to hit the fan, Cossack Kazan (played by Telly Savalas) shows up and really starts to kick some monster ass (as well as anyone else’s who gets in his way).

There are really only two types of people, people who will be laughing their heads off by this point and people who will have already turned this movie off. By the time hints are dropped that the missing link may not be exactly what it seems, you won’t care at all. With such strange movie-logic, awkwardly written lines, and a plot that gets weirder by the minute, who needs logic? If you’re the type of person who laughs when Wells performs an autopsy and discovers that the victim’s brain has been “completely drained” of its memory, then Horror Express is your cup of tea. At one point, the scientists even see a brontosaurus in the creature’s blood while examining it under a microscope, proving the creature’s ancient origins. Really. And don’t get me started on “General Wang”.

I thoroughly enjoyed the film, and recommend it to any fans of early 70’s horror. Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and Telly Savalas sell the film and do a good job of keeping a straight face even when the rest of us are giggling.

Equal parts Night of the Living Dead and Boyz N the Hood, Hood of the Living Dead delivers an interesting twist on the classic zombie formula. Zombies don’t always attack middle-aged white people in the suburbs — sometimes, they end up in the hood.

The story follows Ricky, a young and talented African-American scientist working in a research laboratory along side his partner Scott. The two of them are working on a serum designed to heal damaged or diseased living tissue. Ricky and his younger gang-banging brother Jermaine live together in the rough part of Oakland. Ricky dreams of “moving on up” with his brother, but their dreams are cut short when Jermaine is gunned down outside his home in a drive-by shooting. Desperate to save his brother, Ricky calls Scott and begs him to bring the untested serum to the crime scene, where the two of them attempt to save Jermaine’s life.

That’s where things go wrong. Really wrong.

During what would normally be a one-way trip to the morgue, Jermaine instead wakes up and eats the ambulance drivers. Then he’s off to get revenge against the gang bangers who took his life. Ricky soon realizes that the serum’s zombie-effects can be transmitted among the living through being bitten and eventually teams up with his co-worker Scott, his boss, Romero (a hired Merc), and Jermaine’s thuggy friends in a quest to rid Oakland of the trail of zombies Jermaine is leaving in his rampage.

As can be expected in a direct-to-video film of this budget, Hood of the Living Dead is no Hollywood blockbuster. The acting is pretty awful, with fairly unconvincing deliveries from almost everyone involved. There are also several pacing issues throughout the film; some parts seem to drag on forever, especially driving scenes which last minutes apparently for the sole reason of playing an entire gangster rap song in the film.

That being said, Hood of the Living Dead actually does quite a bit right. I enjoyed the urban setting of the film, and thought it made for an interesting change of pace from most zombie films. I also liked how the zombies were portrayed; anyone slagging the non-zombie-like appearance of the baddies in this film missed the point (for the most part, they’ve only been dead for minutes, not nearly enough time to rot). Likewise, a pseudo-explination is given as to how people are being infected, and the way to stop them makes sense. I am always willing to suspend a certain amount of credibility when it comes to horror movies, and it is always appreciated when filmmakers set up the rules of their universe and then stick to them. Hood of the Living Dead does this well.

While it lacks the spit and polish of a big-budget thriller, Hood of the Living Dead has its undead heart in the right place. I look forward to more films from these guys.

Hard Candy begins with footage of an Internet chat session that’s unfortunately probably all too common these days. The few lines of conversation we see show Jeff Kohlver (Patrick Wilson), age 32, and Hayley Stark (Ellen Page), age 14, having an intimate online conversation. The two of them agree to meet in person in a coffee shop. Overshadowing their latte’s is a missing poster with a picture of another female teenager on it. Things are about to get bad — real bad. Unfortunately, that’s about all I can say about this intense psychological thriller before wading into the realm of spoilers. If you have any interest at all in seeing this film, close this window immediately and go see it now. Then, come back and read the rest of this review.

[ Waiting … ]

Back already? Ok — but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Minor spoilers ahead.

In a twist M. Night Shyamalan (Sixth Sense, Signs) would be proud of, we learn within the first act of Hard Candy that the hunter has become the hunted. Hayley is not the innocent fourteen-year-old girl she pretends to be. As events unfold the battle, which is both mental and physical, escalates into all out war. Hayley has thought through her plan of attack and throws more than one curveball, although she may have underestimated Jeff’s will to escape — or simply live.

Most of the truly disturbing material is left to the viewer’s imagination — which probably makes it that much more disturbing. First time director David Slade does a good job at conveying his characters’ horror and pain through facial shots and quit cuts. It’s more artsy than your average Hollywood popcorn flick, but not enough that it distracts from the visceral on-screen happenings. The movie contains a few holes in the plot (the main one being how a 100lb fourteen-year-old girl can repeatedly move around and position the body of a 200lb unconscious man), but nothing bad enough to pull you out of the grip of the film.

Filmed over 18 days using only five actors, Hard Candy is a small film with a big bite. It’s one of those movies that will have you standing out in the parking lot discussing it with complete strangers — and, watching your kids on the Internet a little closer.

Last weekend, my two neices and nephew came to visit our new home. They love watching movies — particularly, scary ones, and so they asked (as usual) if they could watch one this visit. With their mom’s approval, the three of us plopped down on pillows, downed the lights, and proceeded to watch the 1978 horror masterpiece Halloween. Holy cow! I had forgotten how good that movie really was. By the end of the film, the 6 year old had his head buried in a pillow, the 10 year old was ready to watch it again and the 13 year old was looking out the windows for “the shape”.

I think it was this experience that actually had me excited about Halloween: Resurrection. I guess watching the original Halloween recently made me forget how bad five, six, and seven were (I won’t even mention the abonimable number three). It’s been a while since I’ve seen most of them, and so re-watching the original classic was a pleasant way to wade back into the bloody world of Michael Myers.

Halloween: Resurrection (the eighth film in the series) opens with scenes reminiscent of Terminator 2. Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) sits locked away in a mental hospital, pretending to take her medicine and constantly watching out the window, watching for Myers to return. (By the way, there’s about a two minute flashback that explains why Myers isn’t really dead, even though he died at the end of number seven.) But there’s no messing around in this sequal — within the first few minutes Myers is back, hacking and slashing his way through the hospital’s piss-poor security. What Myers couldn’t succeed in doing in Halloween (or Halloween two, three, four, five, six, or seven) he pulls off with ease in number eight — by killing Strode within the first five minutes (Jamie Lee must’ve wanted out of this poor franchise!). With his old nemesis out of the way, Myers heads back to the only place he knows. Home.

Fortunately for Michael Myers, they’re having a homecoming for him of sorts. Six (un)lucky local college students have won a contest to spend the night in Myers’ childhood home. The contest, which is being hosted by local “Dangertainment” guy Freddie Harris (Busta Rhymes), consists of locking the six students and three staff members in the home overnight. Each of the six kids are given miniature cameras, so that the audience can see what the kids are seeing at all times. The entire thing is to be broadcast onto the internet, where viewers can enjoy an interactive experience by choosing which view they want to see at any given time.

If this is starting to sound like an episode of MTV’s Fear or even the original Blair Witch Project, then DING-DING-DING, you’ve got a winner! Camcorder quality footage mixed with stationary cameras in the house makes for some scary (yet headache causing) visuals. Often, scenes are so dark that it’s a pain to try and make out what’s going on — I’m still not sure if that was intentional or not.

Harris and his two assistants have rigged the house with some surprises and plan on keeping the webcast interesting, but it’s not long before Michael shows up and throws in some surprises of his own. After that, it’s pretty much just assembly line murders, one kid lining up behind the next to get slaughtered. There are a few funny lines — two, if I remember correctly. The majority of the movie is just formula slasher flick, with Myers’ mask lurking in the darkness in between kills.

One of the girls locked in the house has an internet boyfriend, who not only watches the webcast but ends up helping her avoid the killer by sending her messages on her Palm Pilot. “HE’S IN THE HOUSE” one reads. Now, I don’t know about you, but I can tell you two things about my Palm Pilot. One, is that the batteries are ALWAYS dead when I need it, and two, I can’t read the damn thing half the time in plain daylight, much less when a killer is chasing me. Ah, Hollywood. Of course, this is if you can buy into the fact that none of the nine people locked in a “haunted” house overnight (six of them college students) brought a cell phone. But, plot holes be damned — besides, if you start watching this for the plot holes, your head might explode. Like the “secrity system” that won’t let them leave the house — hello, you can see the light coming in through the loosely boarded up windows! Anyway …

Halloween: Resurrection is a mixed blessing for the horror genre. The fact that Hollywood is showing a bit of interest in the slasher genre is good news — the fact that this is what they’re releasing is the bad. Maybe if this makes a profit, we’ll get to see Rob Zombie’s flick eventually.

In the 1987 cult classic film The Gate, youngsters Terry (Louis Tripp), Glen (Stephen Dorff), and Glen’s sister Christa Denton (Al) manage to accidentally open a portal to Hell in their backyard. Demons invaded the Earth, people died, and the planet was almost destroyed. The only logical course of action would be … to try it again — which brings us to The Gate II: Trespassers.

Returning for the sequel is Terry, now five years older and on a quest to intentionally summon demons to grant him wishes (some people go for genies, but whatever). Terry’s incantation is interrupted by John (James Villemaire) the high school bully, his pal Moe (Simon Reynolds), and John’s girlfriend Liz (Pamela Segall-Adlon, aka the voice of Bobby Hill). Sure enough, a demon (er, a “minion”, short for “midget demon”) shows up and Terry manages to eventually lock the minion in a bird cage. While in custody the demon does in fact grant the quartet, but eventually all the wishes begin to backfire. Specifically, every physical item the group wished for turns to shit. Literally. This is apparently one of the major differences between demons and genies. The bullies end up stealing the minion and take him for a car ride where they get him stoned, but that doesn’t stop him from attacking the two. With everybody turning into demons, time begins running out for Terry and his friends who must do something before guys in monster masks and giant stop-motion monsters kill everybody. I wish I were making this up.

The Gate II: Trespassers is bad, bad, bad. Maybe after a few more viewings I’ll promote it to “bad in a good way,” but right now it’s staying in the “bad in a bad way” category. In 1987 Loius Trip was the thirteen-year-old nerdy but misunderstood neighbor; at the age of eighteen, he’s just weird. The story is a combination of two tired plots. On one hand you have the “beautiful girl is mistreated by mean boyfriend and will eventually fall in love with the nerd who saves the way,” mixed in with the old “people are being granted wishes that aren’t what they seem.”

One reason the first movie was so successful was the special effects. For a low-budget cult classic, The Gate had multiple genuinely creepy moments (cadaver falling and turning into minions, anyone?) In the sequel, the already rock-bottom budget seems to have been cut by 93.6%. This time around we get one minion, one stop motion demon, and a couple of guys in latex masks. I would have gladly traded one of the masks and maybe John’s car for a few weeks of acting lessons.

With no scares, no effects, no plot twists and no real substinance, that leaves no real reason to watch The Gate II. Fans of the first film (like myself) may do so anyway (I did), but will be kicking themselves for doing so when the movie ends (I am).

He’s orange, he’s fat, he’s computer generated. He’s Garfield, the famous cat of the 80’s, appearing on a big screen near you thanks to the wonders of CGI.

From Garfield’s first line in the movie (his classic 80’s catch phrase, “I hate Mondays”), it becomes apparent to viewers what’s in store — 90 minutes of rehashed comic strip jokes, thinly draped over a paper-thin plot that adults, children, cats and most rocks should have no problem following or predicting.

Breckin Meyer plays Jon, Garfield’s owner. Those familiar with the comic strip will also recognize other classic characters, like Liz (Jennifer Love Hewitt), Nermal (David Eigenberg), and Odie.

The first thirty minutes of Garfield: The Movie are simply setup for the adventure to follow. Straight from the books, Garfield (voiced by Bill Murray) is living life as a happily spoiled one-owner pet. Jon has fallen for Liz, Garfield’s veterinarian, and through a simple miscommunication ends up adopting Odie. Garfield spends the first half of the movie trying to get rid of Odie, and the last half of the movie trying to find him once he runs away and ends up being dognapped by an evil local television personality.

While the movie is occasionally funny, for the most part it simply seemed like a collection of scenes, a few of which ended with jokes from the old comics and most that just ended.

When the Garfield trailer hit the Internet last year, the largest complaint from people seemed to be that Garfield was animated while all the other animals were not. That is no longer an issue, as the biggest complaint now is that the CGI simply isn’t that good. Much of it simply looks like a rough draft or work print. Not that a talking cat is the most realistic thing in the first place, but I for one ended up watching for mistakes in the effects (Garfield floating while walking for example) instead of actually watching the film. Since Garfield is the only CGI character he already jumps off the screen — but issues with lighting and movement made him stand out even more.

I grew up on the Three Stooges. Eye pokes, triple-slaps, and ear tugs were no big deal when I was growing up, but nowadays even cartoon-like violence will get you a PG rating. All of the punishment Garfield used to dish out to Odie on a regular basis has been removed and replaced with one-liners, dance routines and product placements.

My 13 year old neice got bored with Garfield: The Movie pretty quckly, as did my 2 1/2 year old son. My guess is, the target audience is somewhere right there in the middle.

If you were a child of the 80’s, chances are you were scared one or more times by either Freddy Krueger, or Jason Vorhees. Twenty years later, these two masters of the blades have given us another chance to cry — for all the wrong reasons, this time around.

Freddy Vs. Jason is quite possibly the dumbest film of both the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street series — and that’s saying a lot for two series which have seen some pretty low lows over the years. Despite sending Jason to both Manhatten and outer space and that whole thing with Freddy’s dream child, Freddy Vs. Jason manages to hit an entirely new low while desecrating both characters’ history in the process.

After three of minutes of exposition which tell Freddy’s entire back story, we get to see Freddy “wake up” Jason from death by simply telling him to wake up. Wow, that was simple. Freddy’s got a problem. It seems the children on Elm Street have somehow forgotten about him. His plan seems simple enough. Call in Jason to commit some murders, and have the kids think it’s Freddy. Once they begin to fear him, Freddy will move back into town and continue doing what he does so well.

Cut to Elm Street, home to over acting, cookie-cutter characters, and breast implants. Despite the fact that literally hundreds of people have been killed on Elm Street over the years, none of the kids have heard about it.

Fortunately, both the killers and the kids are enabled throughout the movie by bumbling cops who can’t get anything right. They’re not portrayed as such, but there’s no other way to explain the huge plot holes throughout the film. For starters, two veteran teens from Elm Street (who would give Beavis and Butthead a run for their money) are able to stroll out of a high security mental hospital, show up at the local high school, drive around town unnoticed in a 70’s van with a huge Dungeons and Dragons mural on the side, and talk with all the major characters. This is the same mental hospital that, despite housing hundreds of teen inmates, has no alarm, no backup power, and one night security guard who doesn’t call for help or backup when half a dozen kids break in, only to be followed by Jason.

Eventually kids begin dying in completely gruesome ways. Gore that was only hinted at in previous films is shown in great detail and focused on. Again, our police rule one kids death which is described as “being gutted like a fish with a machette” as a “suicide”. It’s quite the talk at school, because as we all know, when three of four kids from a high school get killed, everyone goes to school the following days. Even though the cops are clueless, the kids start doing their own research and begin digging … ON MICROFICHE AT THE LIBRARY. Hello? Internet? I’m 30 years old and I’m not sure I could figure out how to do microfiche. What high school library still has microfiche? Simply Google for Elm Street and Murder and I’m sure you’ll turn up some hits, kids!

Things really begin heating up when the kids decide to throw a rave to mourn for their dead buddies. Of course Freddy and Jason both show up in their own ways, and both make a mess. Unfortunately, none of the hundreds of kids attending the rave brought a cell phone. In fact, they all agree not to not even tell the cops.

Even if you go into Freddy Vs. Jason not knowing a thing about the film, you’ll definitely know the plot which is hammered into us through poor exposition at least three different times. If it’s not Freddy explaining to us what’s going on, it’s the Scooby-Gang like kids figuring out what’s going on. And while the main plot is beat into us mercilessly over and over, there are several subplots that don’t go anywhere and will leave you scratching your head if you think about it too hard.

The entire third act of the movie is Freddy Vs. Jason, first in Freddy’s home turf of dreamland, and secondly in Camp Crystal Lake, Jason’s old stomping grounds (which coincidently, are located 15 minutes away by van — who knew?) For close to half an hour we’re treated to the bashing, smashing and slashing of our two anti-villans, who take breaks in between battling each other to be sure and saw up anyone who has drank, smoked, done drugs or had sex throughout the film.

Does Jason win? Does Freddy win? Who cares. It’s all about who loses here, and that’s the fans of the series. With totally new facts thrown in that completely disregard both characters histories, the whole thing is obviously just an attempt to cash in one last time on both franchises. Any intelligence either of these series once possessed has been replaced by CGI and bumbling idiots. The movie ended with me wishing I’d been one of their victims somewhere the beginning of this bloody mess. Both of these characters have well established their own “universes” where their rules apply. Throw that out the window this time around, with Jason now being afraid of water and Freddy being afraid of fire. These are the same people who have been killed umpteed million times, shot, stabbed, blown up, drowned, buried alive, struck by lightning, dismembered, buried in hallowed ground … but now water scares Jason. What the hell?

I went into Freddy Vs. Jason really wanting to like this movie, but unfortunately the entire film is an insult to fans of both sets of films. If ever there was a time for both of these characters to die, it was … well, right before this movie started.

30 minutes into Freddy Got Fingered, I had already witnessed Tom Green slicing open a deer and wearing its carcass, two different horse dicks (one of which Tom Green had his hand wrapped around), Tom Green delivering a baby in a hospital (and subsequently biting the umbilical cord in half and then swinging the baby around by it, covering the room with blood).

And, so on and so forth. Freddy Got Fingered stars Tom Green as Gordy, a 28 year old loser who has dreams of becomming an animator. Even that one line makes the movie sound like it has more plot than it really does. Along the way, Gordy gets a job in not one but two different cheese sandwich factories, dates a blow-job loving parapalegic, masturbates an elephant, and gets kidnapped by terrorists — but mostly, Gordy just drives up and down the west coast, being an idiot and dropping the f-bomb as much as possible.

It’s tough to complain too much about Tom Green in a Tom Green movie — and that’s all this is, a Tom Green movie. And technically, it’s not really even a “movie”, per se, where things follow a logical stream of consciousness. It’s more just an hour and a half of Tom Green being a moron, performing skits that no one but him gets which run too long and never lead anywhere.

To try and cover up the fact that he is the worst actor in the history of movies, Green surrounded himself with an equally shitty cast. Rip Torn and Julie Hagerty (Airplane) do a good job of making Tom Green look not so horrible. Eddie Kaye Thomas (Freddy), Harland Williams (Darren), and Anthony Michael Hall (Dave Davidson) seem out of place in the movie as actually semi-talented actors.

Those of you really glutton for punishment should check out Green’s commentary track on the DVD. “There’s me grabbing a horse cock” is a line you don’t get to hear every day. The majority of the commentary track consists of Green describing every scene. “See, there I am, I just walked in. Now I’m talking to that guy. Now he’s talking.” Another great (sarcastic) thing about the commentary track is Derek Harvie (the other writer) is in the room, but not mic’ed up, so there’s several times where you only hear one side of a conversation.

The best part of the Freddy Got Fingered DVD is the 3 minute long PG version. Even at three minutes in length though, it’s too much Tom Green for me.

During the commentary track, Green describes part of the movie as a “wacky Three’s Company” episode.” Maybe Three’s Company minus most of the plot and with more animal cocks. In several scenes Green confesses “we thought of that the night before” or “we adlibbed that” — and it shows. It would be tough for me to recommend this film to anyone — surely everybody who even remotely likes Tom Green has seen this film by now. If you haven’t heard of him or seen this by now, don’t waste your time. I paid $5.88 for it in Wal-Mart’s bargain bin, and the only bright side is that I can use the disc as a coaster and recycle the case for another movie.

Ask even the most casual fan how many Star Wars films there are, and the majority of them will tell you that there were six. More devoted fans, however, will probably begin naming some of the more obscure entries in the Star Wars universe. Theres the now infamous Star Wars Holiday Special from 1978 (the one George Lucas would rather forget about), the multiple animated Droids and Ewoks movies which spawned from the animated television programs, and the most recent addition to the family, the animated Clone Wars series. But only those strongest with the force will mention 1984s Caravan of Courage and 1985s The Battle for Endor, the two made-for-television Star Wars movies starring those lovable but feisty forest-dwelling teddy bears, the Ewoks.

For the 2004 Christmas season, Lucasfilm released several of their older Star Wars related films on DVD, including Star Wars Ewok Adventures, which contains both Ewok movies on one dual-sided disc. Those looking for a DVD jam-packed with special features and hidden goodies may find that, as Obi-Wan might have said, these arent the discs youre looking for. Both movies are presented in their original, full-screen aspect ratio complete with a two-channel stereo audio track. The options menu simply allows you to toggle English subtitles on and off (which is in itself a fairly useless feature considering every other line is spoken in Ewokese). Despite being a bare bones disc, the audio and video quality on both discs are good, considering the age and date of the original source material.

Caravan of Courage follows the adventures of the Towani family, a friendly human family simply out scouting the universe. When their ship crash lands on Endor, mom and dad Towani (Catarine and Jeremitt) are captured by Gorax, a mean giant who resembles a Planet of the Apes reject. Mace (their teenage son who closely resembles a young Mark Hamill) and his young sister Cindel soon set off to rescue them. Along the way, the two lads run into Wicket (played by Warwick Davis), Logray, and several other Ewoks who agree to help the kids on their mission.

Caravan of Courage suffers from the ultimate movie killer its boring. The Ewoks run around looking cute in the forest (which no doubt sold even more Ewok-related merchandise) and eventually theres a big climax where Mace rescues his parents from the Goraxs lair while the Ewoks distract him (and Cindel just stands around and screams), but between point A and point B theres mostly just a lot of shots of people walking through the forests of northern California. Er, I mean Endor. Theres a chance encounter with a giant spider (to which one can see strings attached) and a night sequence where the group encounters fireflies (and ILM flexes their muscle), but overall theres just not much here. Caravan of Courage could have just as easily have been titled Safari of Snores.

The Battle for Endor, the Caravan of Courage sequel, does not suffer from the same boring pace (although one would still be hard pressed to call it action packed). The Battle for Endor begins with the Towani family (who havent fixed their ship yet) getting ambushed by Marauders, a fierce gang of goons who all closely resemble Jabba the Hutts skiff henchmen from Return of the Jedi. In the fierce opening battle, mom, dad, and Mace are all killed. Who says Lucas doesnt know how to write a great kids movie?

The rest of the film follows a somewhat familiar plot. Lets see, a young adults parents are killed. The young adult meets an old man who lives by himself. The old man and the young adult team up to storm the bad guys castle (who was responsible for killing the young adults parents), which ends in a big swordfight between the old hermit and a bad guy with a helmet and a cape. Yup, its pretty much Star Wars all over again, except with a bunch of Ewoks thrown in to raise the cutesy quotient. The crotchety old man in this film is Noa (Wilford Brimley), who eventually takes a liking to Cindel and Wicket and helps them along their journey. The enemy is not Darth Vader or anyone else associated with the Empire for that matter. Its King Terak, with Charal the Witch at his side. Witches are far less powerful than Jedi. Charal cant shoot lightning, use a lightsaber, or even perform a simple Jedi mind trick. All Charal can do is turn into a crow and back, and once she loses her magic ring, she cant even do that. Some witch. Eventually Cindel gets captured, Noa teams up with Wicket and learns the value of friendship, and eventually Noa must battle King Terak for control of the power in a fierce lightsaber duel (only instead of lightsabers, King Terak wields a sword while Noa uses a big stick).

The Battle for Endor contains much more action than Caravan of Courage. Marauders are constantly showing up and shooting at everyone, and eventually the Ewoks even begin scavenging rifles from dead Marauders and shooting back! There are flying dragons, dinosaurs, and all other kinds of crazy things in this movie you never knew existed on Endor before.

As far as production goes, The Battle for Endor is better than Caravan of Courage, although neither movie holds up particularly well. Despite names like Dennis Muren and Phil Tippet in the credits, the special effects are, as they say, not so special. The background matte paintings stand out like sore thumbs in many shots. The stop motion creatures (such as the Marauders dinosaurs) dont look as good as the Taun-Tauns from five years earlier. The audio is just as lacking. Noticeably missing is John Williams famous theme music and THXs patented sound effects. At least they could have made the blasters sound like the blasters from the movies!

The biggest annoyance is Wickets face. Its obvious they didnt use the same mask as they used in Return of the Jedi or if they did, they removed all the mechanics that originally made the mask move. Instead of a cute little blinking Ewok, Wicket looks like a possessed teddy bear whose eyes are bulging out of his head from drinking twenty cups of Ewok coffee and has had one too many shots of Botox in his face. This is extremely noticeable every time Wicket talks IN PLAIN ENGLISH. I guess George Lucas finally got tired of writing around major characters who didnt speak English and finally gave in. Wickets chatters on throughout the entire movie, sounding a lot like E.T. and constantly reminding you that things could have been worse in Return of the Jedi.

If either of these movies had been generic sci-fi films unrelated to the Star Wars universe, they would have been forgotten as quickly as they aired. Unfortunately for us however they ARE Star Wars related, which means we are compelled by the dark side to purchase this disc. Amazons $12 price tag makes the pill a little easier to swallow for collectors, who might be the only market for this package. My three-year-old son fell asleep during Caravan of Courage, and later begged for me to turn The Battle for Endor off so he could play Lego Star Wars on the Xbox instead. Recommended for hardcore collectors and loyal Ewoks fans only.

I was in fourth or fifth grade when I first discovered the role playing game Dungeons and Dragons. I’d heard bits and pieces about this supposedly “dangerous” game from some of the older kids in the neighborhood, and told my parents I wanted to check it out. Instead of freaking out and writing the game off as violent or Satanic (like a lot of parents did back then), my parents ended up buying the basic edition for us to play together as a family. Dad served as Dungeon Master while mom, sis and I bumbled our way through our first adventure together. While my folks decided it wasn’t for them, they saw no problem with me playing D&D and gave it their blessing. Did I mention I have super cool parents? And just as I began getting really into Dungeons and Dragons (the game), Dungeons and Dragons (the cartoon) made its debut as a Saturday morning cartoon.

The cartoon version of Dungeons and Dragons tells the story of six kids who are magically transported into the realm of Dungeons and Dragons through a bizarre carnival ride. The show debuted in 1983, ran for three seasons, and produced 27 episodes. The story of the children’s magical journey is told during the opening credits; as such, the episodes can be viewed in any order. Each of the kids had a specific class (just like the role playing game) and a magical weapon bestowed upon them by Dungeon Master: Hank the Ranger, Eric the Cavalier, Diana the Acrobat, Presto the Magician, Sheila the Thief and her little brother Bobby the Barbarian wandered the strange new world, constantly searching for a way home. Along with these six protagonists, other regular occuring characters include Bobby’s pet unicorn Uni, the kids’ evil nemesis Venger, Tiamat the dragon, and of course the Yoda-like Dungeon Master.

I’ve been waiting 20 years to finally own this series at home; as such, my review is probably a bit biased. One of my first eBay purchases was a bootleg dub of most of the episodes on two VHS tapes, so to finally own the entire series on DVD is quite exciting. As someone who has been waiting so long for this to be released on DVD, I am glad to say that the BCI studio did everything right with this set.

There are enough bonus materials here to please even the most finicky spellcaster. Two of the episode, “Night of No Tomorrow” (the series’ pilot episode) and “The Dragon’s Graveyard” come with commentary tracks featuring several people associated with the show, including the show’s producer, editor, director, an animator, a writer, and even a CBS executive. The commentary tracks present listeners with the background of how the show came about and touch on several interesting points, such as issues censors had with the show and how the characters developed over time. The fifth bonus disc also contains animaed storyboards, tons of photo galleries, a fan film based on one of the episodes, scripts, and more. One of the most special extras for fans of the show is the script and radio-style presentation of “Requiem”, the 28th and final episode of the show which was written but never created. Fans and newcomers to the series alike will also enjoy “Entering the Realm of Dungeons and Dragons,” a 30-minute featurette which includes a lot of great footage.

The episodes are as fun and exciting as ever to watch. The episodes look and sound as I remember them; the presentation suits the material, and the menus are particularly well designed and add to the overall package presenation. As an adult looking back it’s a little disappointing that there was no official ending to the kids’ adventure, and a few of the earlier episodes have a Scooby Doo’ish “I think I’ve seen this before” plots, but the series is still a treat to watch whether you’re an adult or a child — a fact my five-year-old son can attest to. He spent the majority of the weekend by my side, watching all 27 episodes with me.