Battlestar Galactica
PS2/Xbox (2003)

Like millions of kids, my life changed forever back in 1977 when my parents took me to go see Star Wars for the first time. I loved Star Wars, I lived Star Wars. I had Star Wars toys, Star Wars cereal, and Star Wars Underoos. And for the first time on television, the following year we got Battlestar Galactica. Ok, so it wasnt Star Wars, but if you squinted your eyes just right Vipers looked like X-Wing Fighters and Cylons resembled shiny Stormtroopers. Between that and the fact that my parents told me that Starbuck was Luke Skywalkers cousin, Battlestar Galactica became my bargain bin version of Star Wars.

Likewise, Battlestar Galactica (Xbox/PS2) resembles other Star Wars brand shooters such as the Starfighters and even the classic X-Wing and TIE Fighter games. Battlestar Galactica (the game) takes place 40 years before the television show, and in it you play Ensign Adems (a younger version of Commander Adema, played on the show by Lorne Green). The rest of the plot will seem familiar to fans of the original series; your job is to defend the battlestars from the Cylons and other attackers.

Presented from a third-person point of view, gamers have the typical on screen radar, damage sensors and targeting systems at their disposal. The third-person view of your ship makes the game seem more like an arcade game than a serious space shooter, but as the controls (especially yous ships energy system) become increasingly complex, the game begins to show its true colors. The controls begin simple enough the triggers control your thrust/brake and two buttons fire different types of weapons, but as the game progresses youll need to choose your attacks more carefully. Depending on how long you hold down the fire buttons, your ship fires varying powers of lasers. Likewise, by holding down the missile button you can target incoming Cylons. Another weapon in your arsenal are your wingmen, which can be tasked via the d-pad to attack, defend, scatter and regroup.

Like the previously mentioned Star Wars games, Battlestar Galactica presents you with goals and objectives during each mission. How well you perform each one decides your rating and unlocks various game features, including concept art, movies, and clips of the Sci-Fi channels Battlestar series.

Visually, the game is above average with effects that rival the original shows! Unfortunately, the default third-person view makes your enemies often appear quite small and the camera tends to whip around in a nauseating fashion as you zip around the universe, but overall the view works and makes for some gorgeous visuals (not that youll have much time for sightseeing, mind you). Likewise, the audio seems to be (from what I can remember) faithful enough to the orignal show to spark a few memories, including the original theme song.

But even all of that isnt enough to make Battlestar Galactica a winner. First off, its too hard. It took me several attempts just to get through the games initial training mission. Your ships fancier maneuvers are complicated to learn and pull off in battle, and the screen presentation suffers from information overload at times when your entire view is filled with alarms, sensors, missiles, ships, explosions, planets, and various other celestial anomalies. Worst of all, theres no in-game saving ability, which means youll find yourself backtracking 10-15 minutes if you get blown up near the end of a level. And dont plan on your buddies helping you either theres no multiplayer mode here, online or otherwise.

The cut scenes are nice and the opportunity to fly a Viper (and later a Cylon Raider!) is simply cool, but the games complex controls, aggressive AI and sparse save points make it too frustrating to start over every time you fail a mission. Fans of the series will get a kick out of the game, but only serious space shooters will be able to get very far.

While Battlestar Galactica seemed like a good idea, its simply too difficult to be much fun.

Area 51
PS2/Xbox (2005)

You know youve got a good product when youre the yardstick everyone else compares themselves to. For example, in the 1980s there were two types of modems: Hayes, and Hayes compatible (which rarely were). So when I see games that claim to be the next Halo Killer, I immediately know what the standard of measurement is. I first heard this term buzzing around the release of Sonys Killzone (2004). While Killzone may have momentarily alleviated console envy for PS2 owners, eventually the excitement wore off and the game fell by the wayside. Recently Ive begun hearing the term again, this time attached to Area 51, the new first person shooter from Midway, available for both the PS2 and the Xbox. While Im not a huge fan of first person shooters, since I always kind of enjoyed the mid-90s Area 51 arcade game I thought I would give this new release a spin.

Imagine my surprise to learn that this game is not connected to the old Area 51 game at all. Whoops. Instead, this new incarnation of Area 51 is one of the best-looking first person shooters around. The in-game graphics are nothing short of jaw dropping. And the good news for PS2 owners is that the game looks equally amazing on both consoles. By the looks of this, I dont think were too far off from a day where games become platform indistinguishable. A great soundtrack accompanies the games awesome graphics as well, with lots of sound effects, music, and commentary (by Mr. David X-Files Duchovny himself) to draw you into the experience. Like Doom 3, Resident Evil 4, and several other recent games, I found myself getting more into this game than ever before (and jumping and flinching more often as well).

Inside Area 51 youll find lots of things to hide behind and lots of things to shoot at. I mean, lots and lots. Fans of science-fiction and government conspiracy theorists will probably enjoy the games plot however cliché (something about a virus outbreak), but knowing that most first person shooters give me a splitting headache within fifteen minutes of starting them, I skipped as much as I could and got right to killing aliens and viral-infected mutant employees (hey, I believe in equal rights) as fast as possible. True to form, within minutes fleshy-headed mutants were attacking me from every direction.

Area 51s multiple online and multiplayer modes should give gamers a reason to keep playing it for quite some time. Whether or not Area 51 becomes the Halo Killer Sony so desperately wants remains to be seen.

With so many shopping options available these days (both brick & morter and online), it doesn’t take a lot to get me to quit coming to your store. I’ve implemented a “three strikes and your out policy” — if I get upset at your store three times, no matter how conveniently located you are or how much I want to like your company, I’m not coming back. Such is the case with Staples, located just Yukon just south of I-40 and Garth Brooks Blvd.

It all started last year, when Staples ran a sale on blank CDs. I go through a lot of blank CDs. I mean, a lot. I burn discs on a whim, making audio discs and mix CDs and give them away freely. There are months when I might go through a couple hundred blank discs, so when I see them on sale, I pick them up. So when places like Staples drop the price of their blank CDs in half as they did last year, I show up and buy in bulk. Blank CDs don’t go bad; they store just fine in the closet until I need them.

When I arrived at Staples I found they were sold out of blank CDs. The cashier gave me some great advice: “Go to Office Depot. They price match our ads.” I did just that. The Office Depot employees walked me right to their blank CD area and, even though they were marked for more than twice of Staples’, they gladly price matched the Staples ad, and I left (happily) with around 500 blank CDs.

You would think this would convert me to an Office Depot customer, but the problem is Staples is really close to my house. So when I needed a flat-panel monitor, I again went to Staples. After comparing models and prices, I picked out the one I wanted … only to find that, surprise, they didn’t have it in stock. Since I was going out of town the following day, I really needed the monitor that night. The manager informed me that he would not sell me the display (even at cost). The best he could do is order one and I could pick it up in a couple of days. “Don’t bother,” I told him. 30 minutes later I was the proud owner of a flat panel monitor, again from Office Depot. The monitor was $30 more at Office Depot, but I didn’t care. When I told my story to the cashier, she pulled a Staples sale ad from below the register, checked the price, and gave me $30 off. Wow!

And so, last weekend came the third strike. In search of a new digital camera, I stopped by Staples. Staples has 30 digital cameras on display. In stock, they had two. Not two of each model, two in all. They were out of stock of 28 of their 30 cameras. Can you guess what happened next? 30 minutes later I was walking out of Office Depot with a new digital camera.

The Staples in Yukon is clean and neat, but the best thing I can say about their merchandise is it’s a great place to go window shopping before you go to Office Depot (or the retailer of your choosing) to actually buy items. Sorry Staples, we won’t be back.

Activision Anthology
PS2 (2003)

For all you fellow retro gamers out there, Activision Anthology (PS2) contains about thirty vintage Activision games written for the Atari 2600. Sure, you remember them, and if you’re like me, you loved them. Unfortunately, playing actual Atari 2600 cartridges is, frankly, kind of a pain in the ass. Assuming you still HAVE a working Atari 2600, you’re still going to have to wire all that old hardware up to your new television — a project that’s going to take some time and some adapters. When you’re done with that, you’re still going to have to go out and find the actual games! For most people, Activision Anthology will fill that void in your retro-lovin’ heart.

Full of old memory-jogging bleeps and boops, the main menu lets you virtually browse through stacks of old Activision cartridges. You can also browse through scans of the original box covers and instruction manuals as well. While it’s not the same as actually holding the old relics in your hand, it’s close enough to jog some great memories. Once a game is selected, simply insert the game into the virtual 2600, and it’s game time!

On top of all the great artwork, Activision Anthology also comes with several vintage Activision television commercials which can be unlocked. Unlocked? Yes — start warming up that Atari thumb, because you’ll have to pull in some high scores to view everything on the disc (don’t worry, the bars are set pretty low). To complete the package, the game also contains 80’s tunes to help sweep you back to another time. The songs play through both the menus and the games themselves, unless you turn them off manually.

The games sound and play perfectly. I could not distinguish these from the originals in any way, and this is coming from a guy who DOES still have an Atari 2600 hooked up in his house. My initial concerns that playing these on a PS2 controller wouldn’t be as “fun” as with an Atari joystick were unfounded. The games controlled just fine, using either the D-Pad or the Analog stick. Graphics and sound are true to their early 80’s roots, with snazzy retro menus and background music thrown in as a bonus.

I have to say, this review took me two days to write. Everytime I sat down with AA in my PS2, I ended up playing Pitfall, Laser Blast, or River Raid. Sometimes hours at a time. Not all the games here are gold (Bridge?), but the ones that are remain timeless. If you had an Atari 2600 back in the day and don’t have one now, check out Activision Anthology. For $15 you get 30 games all wrapped up in a nice retro package — a lot cheaper than buying them at a Thrift store, trust me.

Games Include: Barnstorming, Boxing, Checkers, Chopper Command, Cosmic Commuter, Crackpots, Dolphin, Dragster, Enduro, Fishing Derby, Freeway, Grand Prix, H.E.R.O, Ice Hockey, Kaboom, Keystone Kapers, Laser Blast, Megamania, Oink, Pitfall, Plaque Attack, Pressure Cooker, Private Eye, River Raid, River Raid 2, Seaquest, Skiing, Sky Jinks, Spider Fighter, Stampede, Starmaster, Tennis and more.

Bam Margera Presents: Where the !@#$ is Santa
2008

Back when I was a young man just out of high school I made an acquaintance (through a friend) who had a lot of money. I’m not sure where the money came from — a lawsuit or inheritance or something — but the guy let it be known that basically, he never had to work again. This guy was annoying to be around and yet, one by one, I watched my friends start spending more and more of their time hanging out with him. Sure, the guy footed the bill for everything from booze to pay-per-view specials to other stuff, but it all came with a price. Everything had strings attached, and when this guy needed a favor you jumped, else you were cut off from the on-going party. From the minute I met the guy I always felt like I was being bought, a feeling I hated. One by one my friends got tired of being bossed around as well. No one’s seen that guy in years, but rest assured, he’s living in a mansion somewhere, surrounded by a new set of cronies.

That must be what it’s like being friends with Bam Margera. Near the beginning of Margera’s latest direct-to-DVD project, “Where the !@#$ is Santa,” Bam wakes up one of his house guests (Brandon Novak) by pelting him with flour and snow. When Novak leaves the house to head to a local bar, Margera and his pals follow him. When Novak talks about how proud he is that he finally bought a car, Margera and company head outside to cover it with spray paint, kick in the windshield and bust out the windows. When Novak says he’s sick of Bam’s treatment, Bam first sneaks up behind him and smashes two plates of food into his head, and later arranges to have a giant tree dropped on his car with a crane. The next morning, Bam wakes Novak by pouring hot candle wax on him and coerces him into skateboarding outside in freezing weather wearing only a pair of girls panties. When Novak finally reaches his breaking point (“This is enough; I want clothes, a shower, and warmth!”), Bam’s pals proceed to hose him down with freezing water from a garden hose.

This really begs the question — who wants to be friends with Bam Margera? The answer is, no one. Noticeably absent from Margera’s latest release are Ryan Dunn, Brandon DiCamillo, Raab Himself, Rake Yohn, Don Vito, and all the other CKY regulars we’re used to — maybe they finally got tired of the abuse. Instead, we get a whole new crowd of morons, second-rate stunt men and outright losers, all willing to be Margera’s personal punching bag in exchange for rides in his fancy cars and the privilege of being humiliated on film. It is amazing to me what people will endure in exchange for fifteen seconds of fame. I’m telling you right now, if any of my friends cut my hair off and then take a crap on me while I’m sleeping, our friendship is over. There is no amount of money in the world that would get me to endure that.

“Bam Margera Presents: Where the !@#$ is Santa” hangs itself on is a silly one; it’s a week before Christmas and while drinking at a local pub, Bam comes up with the idea of flying to Finland to kidnap the real Santa and bring him back to West Chester as a gift for his wife. Bam’s parents and wife express their concern that Bam will not return in time for a big planned Christmas party (which might actually be a blessing), but that would show compassion for someone else and the next day Bam and his pals are en route to Finland in search of Santa. By the way, anyone who suggests to Bam that Santa lives at the North Pole instead of Finland gets punched or shoved to the ground.

The journey of course is just an excuse to hang Margera’s two favorite pastimes on; abusing his cohorts, and hanging out with his friends from the bands HIM and Hanoi Rocks and goofballs the Dudesons (you know, the guys Margera and company stole their shtick from). When the group worries about getting lost, a map is drawn on Margera’s pal’s stomach in Sharpie. Later, the map is tattooed in place as the poor fellow is fed Jack Daniels while being held down and screaming repeatedly in pain. When the tattoo is complete, Bam rewards his friend by slapping him so hard his knees buckle and he collapses to the floor.

Again, I ask — who wants to be friends with this guy?

The film’s subplot revolves around a bet between two sub-stooges over who will have more sex; one, Brandon Novak (who looks like he is strung out on heroin) travels with Bam’s group while the other, a mentally-deficient (at best) fellow named “Mark the Bagger” stays behind in West Chester. The thought of a woman talking to either one of these losers without the presence of a camera crew nearby is laughable, and even with the lights turned on we get to see plenty of female rejection even as both of them use the same tactic repeatedly: “I know Bam Margera!” Footage of Margera’s northern adventures are interspersed with shots from West Chester, as Margera’s friends spend the week before Christmas harassing Margera’s wife and parents. It makes you wonder why his family wasted all that time preparing for Christmas party instead of enlisting in the Witness Protection Program and getting the heck out of town while they had the chance.

I won’t spoil the film’s ending, not that it matters. There was a time when Jackass, CKY and the like were funny. “Bam Margera Presents: Where the !@#$ is Santa” just comes off as mean-spirited Throughout the film, Margera plays a meaner version of Moe Howard without any likable Stooges. He’s a wealthy bully who takes advantages of people down on their luck by giving them a little cash while exploiting them on camera. The only people he treats with any respect at all are his idols (read: anyone with money). Anyone else — friend, family, or random stranger — is fair game. It’s hard to enjoy the film’s antics when the people around him aren’t even having fun. This isn’t comedy; it’s just sad.

Bam Margera has certainly found his market with direct-to-DVD. Without the restrictions of cable television, Margera and his pals are free to curse it up and slap each other around with severed reindeer penises without any fear of censorship. These films cost almost nothing to produce and I’m sure they sell like hotcakes. My guess is next year we’ll see another one. My other guess is, it will involve a completely new set of friends as I doubt any of his current ones could take another round of this abuse.

I know I can’t.

Zombie vs. Ninja
1987

How on earth can you screw up a movie called Zombie Vs. Ninja? Every word in the title gives us such hope: there are zombies, there are ninjas, and they will be fighting against each other. What could go wrong?

A lot, apparently. Zombie Vs. Ninja isnt even a movie in the traditional sense; its a conglomeration of two films: an older Chinese film about an undertaker and his apprentice, and a newer film starring white guys in ninja outfits who wear headbands that say NINJA across the front. If youre wondering how people from two different movies interact, basically they dont. When they do, outdoor scenes from both movies are spliced together to make it look like each group of people are in the same forest, sort of.

The plot, and stop me if youve heard this one before, involves a Chinese guy who decides to learn Kung Fu in order to avenge his fathers death. Last year I bought a box set of 30 Kung Fu movies, and that was the plot of over half of them. Fathers Day must be a horribly depressing time in the Far East. The rest of the film involves cuts between the Chinese film (which appears to have been made about a decade before the ninja footage) and the Ninja film, which contains a bunch of white guys wearing sheik headdresses and Ninja headbands. It should be noted that at no time does a Ninja ever fight a Zombie.

The fight scenes arent bad and if you put this movie on in the background and just watch the battles, you might enjoy it. If you actually try to follow the plot you should probably remove all sharp objects from your immediate vicinity as the urge to carve out your eyes will be strong.

Like many bad ninja movies, this one is known by a slew of names, one of which is Zombie Rival – The Super Ninja Master. Check out the trailer below, but be warned: the trailer makes this movie look 100,000x better than it really was.

For A Few Marbles More
Kairos Films, 2006

The problem with most short films is that directors tend to skimp on one or more of the film’s essential parts; either the characters are undeveloped, the plot makes no sense, or there is no feeling. For a Few Marbles More (Voor een Paar Knikkers Meer), the short film by Dutch director Jelmar Hufen, suffers from none of these problems; it is essentially the perfectly balanced short film.

The film opens with four children playing a friendly game of marbles. Their fun is interrupted when a couple of older neighborhood hooligans decide to take over the playground and claim the kids’ territory for their own. The four children turn to their parents for assistance but are greeted with indifference. Their last hope is to solicit help from a nameless “dangerous kid” who lives on the next block, a mysterious kid who once slashed a neighbor’s tires for having bad breath, owns a tarantula for a pet, and drinks coffee — black. The children’s hope is that, in exchange for their marbles, the dangerous boy will help them reclaim their turf.

Shot for around $13,000 (that’s over $1,000 per minute), For a Few Marbles More looks fantastic. I mean, absolutely stunning. Hufen has done a terrific job in capturing the children’s plight through his camera angles and shots. This isn’t someone’s weekend project filmed on their friend’s camcorder; this is a quality film, scrunched into 11 minutes (and that includes the closing credits).

For a Few Marbles More is currently making the film festival circuit; if that’s your thing and you get a chance to see it, be sure to. For more information about the film and possibly ordering it on DVD, be sure to check out the Official Site, which is in Dutch.

MySpace Link: For A Few Marbles More