Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
PS2/Xbox/GCN (2005)

As children, my sister and I probably watched the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory movie at least once a week. My parents were the first people on the block to purchase a VCR (back in the late 70s, when they cost around $1000). Willy Wonka was one of the first VHS movies we ever owned, and over the years my sister and I literally wore the tape out from watching it so many times.

People have picked apart poor Wonka over the years, citing problems with the annoying child actors or the cheesy special effects. To me though, THAT movie is the Chocolate Factory I know and love. I know that with 35 years of technology we can make a graphically better Wonkaland, full of CGI and other dazzling special effects, but that stuff by itself doesnt make it a better film.

And so follows Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the new platform game for multiple consoles. Its flashy, its got great graphics and the presentation will blow you away. Unfortunately when you get down to the game play, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is about as smart as the four brats who meet their untimely demise in Wonkas factory. Despite all the technological advances, the game simply doesnt play as well as the 2D platformers of yesteryear.

The game starts off well enough. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory follows the popular trend of forcing you to play through an in-game tutorial. Youll learn the ins and outs of controlling Charlie by making his poor ass chase money up and down the streets of Poorville (or wherever he supposedly lives). After a brief downhill race, which while fun proves ultimately pointless, youll arrive in Wonkas abandoned plant. In the game, it will be your job to find Oompa Loompas, assign them jobs, and group them together to complete tasks. While reading this description, I immediately thought to myself, theyre not Oompa Loompas theyre Oompa LEMMINGS! While the idea is definitely the same, the implementation is much worse. Half the time you cant get the Oompa Loompas to do what you want. Believe me, there were many times I wish Charlie could punch, kick, or pick up weapons and go all GTA on some Oompa Loompa ass. How on earth any chocolate ever got made before Charlie showed up is beyond me.

Ultimately, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory suffers from the same problems that all other semi-good 3D platform games suffer from; camera and control issues. I feel like a broken record here, whining about difficult to complete jumps and cameras getting stuck behind walls. The game is stunningly beautiful and colorful, but you really wont give a toot when the camera is hiding Charlie and an Oompa Loompa is stuck halfway in and out of the chocolate river. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a great game stuck in the wrong engine. Without the glaring technical glitches, the game stood a good chance at being a golden ticket among this summers sea of Wonka bars. As it stands, this game is sadder than Mike TV in a power outage. Expect kids to get bored and adults to get frustrated long before you reach the end.

Centipede / Breakout / Warlords
GBA, DSI games/Atari (2002)

Two of DSI’s retro compilations for the Gameboy Advance are fairly similar in composition: there’s this one, the Centipede/Breakout/Warlords package, and the Millipede/Super Breakout/Lunar Lander compilation. Centipede and Millipede (its sequel) are comparable as are Breakout and Super Breakout (again, a sequel), making the main difference between the two packages Warlords vs. Lunar Lander.

DSI’s Centipede port is loyal to the arcade version, and except for minor changes in sound effects and graphics, this version passes for a clone of the original. Except, you know, it’s much smaller. In the game, players must shoot the titular centipede as well as scorpions, fleas, and a random assortment of other baddies while avoiding touching any of the enemy insects. Dead insects turn into mushrooms, which affect the playfield’s dynamics and the centipede’s path. Overall the game translates well (but not great) to the GBA’s controller, meaning I can usually get to the general vicinity I want to be in, but hitting specific targets takes as much luck as it does skill.

Breakout, on the other hand, takes ten times as much luck as it does skill to successfully bounce a ball against a wall using a controllable paddle. Just like Super Breakout, the game’s analog controls translate poorly to the GBA’s d-pad, making movements erratic and more frustrating than they should be. Even more disappointing is the fact that this port of Breakout appears to be of the Atari 2600 version instead of the arcade ROM, apparent by the lack of detail in the graphics. Of course, complaining about any version of Breakout’s graphics is like complaining about an 87′ Geo Metro’s hubcaps.

That leaves Warlords, the videogame that introduced the phrase “hey, stop crying” into my family’s living room. A popular game amongst divorce counsellors, this one to four-player game pits four warlords against one another in a battle to the death. The object of the game is to destroy the other three castles and make it to the next round by deflecting a fireball away from your own castle and aiming it at your enemies’. Your moving shield can temporarily hold the fireball (which allows you to aim shots), but the longer you hold a fireball the more damage it does to your own castle, so it’s best to quickly catch and release. The best part of playing four-player Warlords was ganging up on a family member until they cried and left the room, so playing by yourself on the GBA isn’t quite as fun. The game does support link cables so if you happen to have four friends with four GBAs, four link cables and four copies of the game, theoretically you can all play together — of course by the time you’ve spent that amount of cash you’d be better off simply buying the original arcade cabinet. The graphics on DSI’s port have been updated from the arcade version and look bright and colorful, complete with a new background and an animated dragon (who releases the fireballs). It’s good, but without the ability to afflict pain (and usually therapy) on your friends and loved ones, it’s slightly less than great.

Capcom Classics Collection
PS2/Xbox (2005)

It is impossible to deny the impact retrogaming has had on the gaming industry. Those of us who spent our youth hanging out in smoke-filled arcades are now the prime videogame demographic. Many of us have spent hundreds if not thousands of dollars on games, and the companies from our childhood have figured out a way to tap into that cash flow through retro compilation discs. Its taken a while for companies to get the formula right; too few games or to high of a price, and consumers complain (or simply avoid) your package. Developers (particularly Sega) have experimented with updated versions of classic games, which have been met with mixed reviews. In 2005, manufacturers seem to have dialed in to what consumers want arcade ports of 20 or more games for $20. Bonus features are a plus.

While it may appear that Capcom is simply tagging on to the current retro craze with Capcom Classics Collection, they certainly have the games to warrant such a release. With series like 1942, Ghosts N Goblins and Street Fighter II included, there is no doubt that Capcom puts the classic in the term classic collection.

By scrolling through the disc it becomes apparent that Capcom released games for almost every genre. There are vertical SHMUPs (Vulgus, 1942, 1943 1943 Kai, Legendary Wings), horizonal ones like Forgotten Worlds, and ones that move both directions (Section Z). There are 2D platformers (Bionic Commando, Ghosts N Goblins, Ghouls N Ghosts, Super Ghouls N Ghosts, Trojan) and games where you run and shoot in a number of directions (Commando, Gun.Smoke, and Mercs). Fans of one-on-one fighting will appreciate the three Street Fighter II games, including the original followed by Street Fighter II: Champion Edition and Street Fighter II: Hyper Fighting, while beat-em-up fans will get a kick out of the original Final Fight game. And, like all retro compilations, there are games you probably havent heard of before but are worth checking out, like Exed Exes, Pirate Ship Higemaru, and Son Son (Exed Exes is a particularly fun SHMUP). One advantage that Capcom Classics has over many of the other compilation discs is that their roster begins in 1984, so all the games benefit from (relatively) newer graphics and multiphonic tunes.

Each game within the compilation contains a multitude of unlockable extras, including folders full of artwork, music, and more. Each unlockable item is listed next to the means to unlock it some require you to achieve a predermined score, some require you to reach a certain level, and some require you to simply beat a game. All of the feats are easy to perform considering the fact that all the games are set on free play and most of them allow unlimited continues, so unlocking every extra for every game requires more time invested than skill. Each games menu contains a brief paragraph or two explaining the game and commenting on its history. Most of the games also list a trivia fact, but most of the facts listed are simply what the games name in Japan translates to. At the menu, players can also tweak each games settings or change the controller configuration. All the games support both the d-pad and the analog stick, depending on just how old school you are. The unlockable sound-remixing capability is an interesting one, which will update each games music and sound effects. Purists will prefer the originals; others simple wont care.

Like most other compilation discs, the games load times are negligable (under five seconds), which keeps the packages pace moving along. Game emulation has been performed by Digital Eclipse, responsible for everything from Midway Arcade Treasures 1 and 2 to the recent Arcade Anthology. Digital Eclipse does another stellar job here, as the games all appear to function identical to their arcade counterparts.Incidently, I could tell no difference between the Xbox and PS2 versions of this package at all. If I had to choose between the two versions, Id buy the version for whichever systems controller you liked better.

22 classic games in a $20 package. Even without the mounds of extras I still need to unlock, Im sure Id be playing this games for months on end. This is one retro compilation that has earned the right to use the word classics in its title.

Bust-A-Move 3000
Gamecube (2003)

With versions appearing on the Sega GameGear, Sega Saturn, Sony Playstation, Nintendo Super NES, Nintendo 64, and the Neo Geo (both home and arcade), Bust-A-Move, a kind of upside-down version of Tetris, is one of the most popular and prolific puzzle video games of all time. Originally known as “Puzzle Bubble” (and starring Bub and Bob from the video game “Bubble Bobble”), players fire colored bubbles up towards clusters of other bubbles. Connect three bubbles of the same color and the bubbles will pop, sending anything clinging on to them crashing to the ground — and in two-player mode, over to your opponent. Bust-a-Move definitely falls under the “easy to learn, difficult to master” genre of puzzle games.

This time around it’s Bust-a-Move 3000 for the Nintendo Gamecube. I also recently played Bust-a-Move for the PS2, and can honestly say they’re identical.

The oddest thing about Bust-a-Move 3000 is, it seems a lot like Bust-a-Move for the Super Nintendo from almost a decade ago. Despite huge advances in technology, the game looks, acts, and plays the same. Sure, there are a couple of new types of “special bubbles” that appear in higher levels, and both versions support rumble controllers, but other than that, this is the same game it was ten years ago.

That’s not to say it’s a bad game — it’s just unchanged. Gameplay is very addictive and very fun, especially with two players. I had hoped that the next generation of consoles would bring Bust-a-Move into a four player arena, but this is not the case.

The 2D Graphics are bright, funny, and colorful — kids will love looking at the different animals as they shoot bubbles into the sky. The sound effects and music are equally kid-friendly, although you might end up playing with the volume controls like I did — the sound effects were way louder than anything else.

If you liked the old Bust-a-Move series, miss it, and don’t already own it on another console, pick up either one of these (Gamecube/PS2). If you already own a copy of this for another system, there’s no reason to upgrade.

Black and Bruised
PS2 (2003)

Upon throwing Majesco’s Black and Bruised in my PS2 for the first time, my initial impression was that I had just purchased a graphically updated version of Ready 2 Rumble Boxing. Despite the characters being raytraced this time around, it looked and resembled R2R Boxing. Everything from the cartoony fonts on the menus to the game itself sounded similar. However, the moment El Luchador (one of the 19 boxers available in Black and Bruised) hit the canvas face down for the last time, I realized I had more than a simple button masher on my hands.

Unlike R2R, Black and Bruised’s fights leave the traditional squared circle arenas behind and take players across the world. Which of the 14 first available fighters you pick (from the endowed Holly Vixen to the oversized Bronto Sore) will determine the location of the fight.

Once the bell rings, come out swinging! As a fan of R2R, I found Black and Bruised frustrating to learn. If you go in throwing punches as fast as you can, expect to end up kissing canvas even faster. You’ll have to spend a little time learning how to block and more importantly, pull off combos and special moves. Like R2R, you can earn power moves throughout the bout. Unfortunately, I never survived long enough to use one. My opponents however seemed to constantly have flaming or glowing gloves, both of which pounded me into submission with ease. One move I did get a lot of practice with was the “get up” move, where you have to press X repeatedly after being knocked down from taking too much punishment.

While everybody else is over cel-shading, I still think it looks great. It works here, and helps sell the boxers along with their over-the-top personalities. During the matches, successful punches are denoted with small explosions, while blocked or failed attacks emit a puff of white smoke. On par with the character models are the locations themselves, each one unique and full of moving objects.

Despite the game’s initial difficulty, I kind of like Black and Bruised. I got a sense that the game had a bit of an identity crisis, falling somewhere in the middle between an actual boxing game and an arcade punch out, but maybe there’s a niche for that.

Graphics: 8/10. As the next-gen consoles mature, the graphics continue to impress. For a silly punch-a-lot title, the graphics are astounding. Some of the background models are a little rough, but spend too much time looking at them and you’ll be on the receiving end of a fist. Watch for the damage and expressions to change on your fighters face throughout the bout!

Sound: 6/10. The rockin’ theme song played on the meny cycles every 15 seconds or so. The characters have several quips and even though the punches sound just like a door closing, it’s all in good fun.

Gameplay: 5/10. Not strategy boxing, but not an absolute button masher either. Plan on getting pooch punched a few times before picking up the controls.

Overall: 6/10. A great looking title that’s slightly above average in the fighting genre.

Battlestar Galactica
PS2/Xbox (2003)

Like millions of kids, my life changed forever back in 1977 when my parents took me to go see Star Wars for the first time. I loved Star Wars, I lived Star Wars. I had Star Wars toys, Star Wars cereal, and Star Wars Underoos. And for the first time on television, the following year we got Battlestar Galactica. Ok, so it wasnt Star Wars, but if you squinted your eyes just right Vipers looked like X-Wing Fighters and Cylons resembled shiny Stormtroopers. Between that and the fact that my parents told me that Starbuck was Luke Skywalkers cousin, Battlestar Galactica became my bargain bin version of Star Wars.

Likewise, Battlestar Galactica (Xbox/PS2) resembles other Star Wars brand shooters such as the Starfighters and even the classic X-Wing and TIE Fighter games. Battlestar Galactica (the game) takes place 40 years before the television show, and in it you play Ensign Adems (a younger version of Commander Adema, played on the show by Lorne Green). The rest of the plot will seem familiar to fans of the original series; your job is to defend the battlestars from the Cylons and other attackers.

Presented from a third-person point of view, gamers have the typical on screen radar, damage sensors and targeting systems at their disposal. The third-person view of your ship makes the game seem more like an arcade game than a serious space shooter, but as the controls (especially yous ships energy system) become increasingly complex, the game begins to show its true colors. The controls begin simple enough the triggers control your thrust/brake and two buttons fire different types of weapons, but as the game progresses youll need to choose your attacks more carefully. Depending on how long you hold down the fire buttons, your ship fires varying powers of lasers. Likewise, by holding down the missile button you can target incoming Cylons. Another weapon in your arsenal are your wingmen, which can be tasked via the d-pad to attack, defend, scatter and regroup.

Like the previously mentioned Star Wars games, Battlestar Galactica presents you with goals and objectives during each mission. How well you perform each one decides your rating and unlocks various game features, including concept art, movies, and clips of the Sci-Fi channels Battlestar series.

Visually, the game is above average with effects that rival the original shows! Unfortunately, the default third-person view makes your enemies often appear quite small and the camera tends to whip around in a nauseating fashion as you zip around the universe, but overall the view works and makes for some gorgeous visuals (not that youll have much time for sightseeing, mind you). Likewise, the audio seems to be (from what I can remember) faithful enough to the orignal show to spark a few memories, including the original theme song.

But even all of that isnt enough to make Battlestar Galactica a winner. First off, its too hard. It took me several attempts just to get through the games initial training mission. Your ships fancier maneuvers are complicated to learn and pull off in battle, and the screen presentation suffers from information overload at times when your entire view is filled with alarms, sensors, missiles, ships, explosions, planets, and various other celestial anomalies. Worst of all, theres no in-game saving ability, which means youll find yourself backtracking 10-15 minutes if you get blown up near the end of a level. And dont plan on your buddies helping you either theres no multiplayer mode here, online or otherwise.

The cut scenes are nice and the opportunity to fly a Viper (and later a Cylon Raider!) is simply cool, but the games complex controls, aggressive AI and sparse save points make it too frustrating to start over every time you fail a mission. Fans of the series will get a kick out of the game, but only serious space shooters will be able to get very far.

While Battlestar Galactica seemed like a good idea, its simply too difficult to be much fun.

Area 51
PS2/Xbox (2005)

You know youve got a good product when youre the yardstick everyone else compares themselves to. For example, in the 1980s there were two types of modems: Hayes, and Hayes compatible (which rarely were). So when I see games that claim to be the next Halo Killer, I immediately know what the standard of measurement is. I first heard this term buzzing around the release of Sonys Killzone (2004). While Killzone may have momentarily alleviated console envy for PS2 owners, eventually the excitement wore off and the game fell by the wayside. Recently Ive begun hearing the term again, this time attached to Area 51, the new first person shooter from Midway, available for both the PS2 and the Xbox. While Im not a huge fan of first person shooters, since I always kind of enjoyed the mid-90s Area 51 arcade game I thought I would give this new release a spin.

Imagine my surprise to learn that this game is not connected to the old Area 51 game at all. Whoops. Instead, this new incarnation of Area 51 is one of the best-looking first person shooters around. The in-game graphics are nothing short of jaw dropping. And the good news for PS2 owners is that the game looks equally amazing on both consoles. By the looks of this, I dont think were too far off from a day where games become platform indistinguishable. A great soundtrack accompanies the games awesome graphics as well, with lots of sound effects, music, and commentary (by Mr. David X-Files Duchovny himself) to draw you into the experience. Like Doom 3, Resident Evil 4, and several other recent games, I found myself getting more into this game than ever before (and jumping and flinching more often as well).

Inside Area 51 youll find lots of things to hide behind and lots of things to shoot at. I mean, lots and lots. Fans of science-fiction and government conspiracy theorists will probably enjoy the games plot however cliché (something about a virus outbreak), but knowing that most first person shooters give me a splitting headache within fifteen minutes of starting them, I skipped as much as I could and got right to killing aliens and viral-infected mutant employees (hey, I believe in equal rights) as fast as possible. True to form, within minutes fleshy-headed mutants were attacking me from every direction.

Area 51s multiple online and multiplayer modes should give gamers a reason to keep playing it for quite some time. Whether or not Area 51 becomes the Halo Killer Sony so desperately wants remains to be seen.

With so many shopping options available these days (both brick & morter and online), it doesn’t take a lot to get me to quit coming to your store. I’ve implemented a “three strikes and your out policy” — if I get upset at your store three times, no matter how conveniently located you are or how much I want to like your company, I’m not coming back. Such is the case with Staples, located just Yukon just south of I-40 and Garth Brooks Blvd.

It all started last year, when Staples ran a sale on blank CDs. I go through a lot of blank CDs. I mean, a lot. I burn discs on a whim, making audio discs and mix CDs and give them away freely. There are months when I might go through a couple hundred blank discs, so when I see them on sale, I pick them up. So when places like Staples drop the price of their blank CDs in half as they did last year, I show up and buy in bulk. Blank CDs don’t go bad; they store just fine in the closet until I need them.

When I arrived at Staples I found they were sold out of blank CDs. The cashier gave me some great advice: “Go to Office Depot. They price match our ads.” I did just that. The Office Depot employees walked me right to their blank CD area and, even though they were marked for more than twice of Staples’, they gladly price matched the Staples ad, and I left (happily) with around 500 blank CDs.

You would think this would convert me to an Office Depot customer, but the problem is Staples is really close to my house. So when I needed a flat-panel monitor, I again went to Staples. After comparing models and prices, I picked out the one I wanted … only to find that, surprise, they didn’t have it in stock. Since I was going out of town the following day, I really needed the monitor that night. The manager informed me that he would not sell me the display (even at cost). The best he could do is order one and I could pick it up in a couple of days. “Don’t bother,” I told him. 30 minutes later I was the proud owner of a flat panel monitor, again from Office Depot. The monitor was $30 more at Office Depot, but I didn’t care. When I told my story to the cashier, she pulled a Staples sale ad from below the register, checked the price, and gave me $30 off. Wow!

And so, last weekend came the third strike. In search of a new digital camera, I stopped by Staples. Staples has 30 digital cameras on display. In stock, they had two. Not two of each model, two in all. They were out of stock of 28 of their 30 cameras. Can you guess what happened next? 30 minutes later I was walking out of Office Depot with a new digital camera.

The Staples in Yukon is clean and neat, but the best thing I can say about their merchandise is it’s a great place to go window shopping before you go to Office Depot (or the retailer of your choosing) to actually buy items. Sorry Staples, we won’t be back.

Activision Anthology
PS2 (2003)

For all you fellow retro gamers out there, Activision Anthology (PS2) contains about thirty vintage Activision games written for the Atari 2600. Sure, you remember them, and if you’re like me, you loved them. Unfortunately, playing actual Atari 2600 cartridges is, frankly, kind of a pain in the ass. Assuming you still HAVE a working Atari 2600, you’re still going to have to wire all that old hardware up to your new television — a project that’s going to take some time and some adapters. When you’re done with that, you’re still going to have to go out and find the actual games! For most people, Activision Anthology will fill that void in your retro-lovin’ heart.

Full of old memory-jogging bleeps and boops, the main menu lets you virtually browse through stacks of old Activision cartridges. You can also browse through scans of the original box covers and instruction manuals as well. While it’s not the same as actually holding the old relics in your hand, it’s close enough to jog some great memories. Once a game is selected, simply insert the game into the virtual 2600, and it’s game time!

On top of all the great artwork, Activision Anthology also comes with several vintage Activision television commercials which can be unlocked. Unlocked? Yes — start warming up that Atari thumb, because you’ll have to pull in some high scores to view everything on the disc (don’t worry, the bars are set pretty low). To complete the package, the game also contains 80’s tunes to help sweep you back to another time. The songs play through both the menus and the games themselves, unless you turn them off manually.

The games sound and play perfectly. I could not distinguish these from the originals in any way, and this is coming from a guy who DOES still have an Atari 2600 hooked up in his house. My initial concerns that playing these on a PS2 controller wouldn’t be as “fun” as with an Atari joystick were unfounded. The games controlled just fine, using either the D-Pad or the Analog stick. Graphics and sound are true to their early 80’s roots, with snazzy retro menus and background music thrown in as a bonus.

I have to say, this review took me two days to write. Everytime I sat down with AA in my PS2, I ended up playing Pitfall, Laser Blast, or River Raid. Sometimes hours at a time. Not all the games here are gold (Bridge?), but the ones that are remain timeless. If you had an Atari 2600 back in the day and don’t have one now, check out Activision Anthology. For $15 you get 30 games all wrapped up in a nice retro package — a lot cheaper than buying them at a Thrift store, trust me.

Games Include: Barnstorming, Boxing, Checkers, Chopper Command, Cosmic Commuter, Crackpots, Dolphin, Dragster, Enduro, Fishing Derby, Freeway, Grand Prix, H.E.R.O, Ice Hockey, Kaboom, Keystone Kapers, Laser Blast, Megamania, Oink, Pitfall, Plaque Attack, Pressure Cooker, Private Eye, River Raid, River Raid 2, Seaquest, Skiing, Sky Jinks, Spider Fighter, Stampede, Starmaster, Tennis and more.

Bam Margera Presents: Where the !@#$ is Santa
2008

Back when I was a young man just out of high school I made an acquaintance (through a friend) who had a lot of money. I’m not sure where the money came from — a lawsuit or inheritance or something — but the guy let it be known that basically, he never had to work again. This guy was annoying to be around and yet, one by one, I watched my friends start spending more and more of their time hanging out with him. Sure, the guy footed the bill for everything from booze to pay-per-view specials to other stuff, but it all came with a price. Everything had strings attached, and when this guy needed a favor you jumped, else you were cut off from the on-going party. From the minute I met the guy I always felt like I was being bought, a feeling I hated. One by one my friends got tired of being bossed around as well. No one’s seen that guy in years, but rest assured, he’s living in a mansion somewhere, surrounded by a new set of cronies.

That must be what it’s like being friends with Bam Margera. Near the beginning of Margera’s latest direct-to-DVD project, “Where the !@#$ is Santa,” Bam wakes up one of his house guests (Brandon Novak) by pelting him with flour and snow. When Novak leaves the house to head to a local bar, Margera and his pals follow him. When Novak talks about how proud he is that he finally bought a car, Margera and company head outside to cover it with spray paint, kick in the windshield and bust out the windows. When Novak says he’s sick of Bam’s treatment, Bam first sneaks up behind him and smashes two plates of food into his head, and later arranges to have a giant tree dropped on his car with a crane. The next morning, Bam wakes Novak by pouring hot candle wax on him and coerces him into skateboarding outside in freezing weather wearing only a pair of girls panties. When Novak finally reaches his breaking point (“This is enough; I want clothes, a shower, and warmth!”), Bam’s pals proceed to hose him down with freezing water from a garden hose.

This really begs the question — who wants to be friends with Bam Margera? The answer is, no one. Noticeably absent from Margera’s latest release are Ryan Dunn, Brandon DiCamillo, Raab Himself, Rake Yohn, Don Vito, and all the other CKY regulars we’re used to — maybe they finally got tired of the abuse. Instead, we get a whole new crowd of morons, second-rate stunt men and outright losers, all willing to be Margera’s personal punching bag in exchange for rides in his fancy cars and the privilege of being humiliated on film. It is amazing to me what people will endure in exchange for fifteen seconds of fame. I’m telling you right now, if any of my friends cut my hair off and then take a crap on me while I’m sleeping, our friendship is over. There is no amount of money in the world that would get me to endure that.

“Bam Margera Presents: Where the !@#$ is Santa” hangs itself on is a silly one; it’s a week before Christmas and while drinking at a local pub, Bam comes up with the idea of flying to Finland to kidnap the real Santa and bring him back to West Chester as a gift for his wife. Bam’s parents and wife express their concern that Bam will not return in time for a big planned Christmas party (which might actually be a blessing), but that would show compassion for someone else and the next day Bam and his pals are en route to Finland in search of Santa. By the way, anyone who suggests to Bam that Santa lives at the North Pole instead of Finland gets punched or shoved to the ground.

The journey of course is just an excuse to hang Margera’s two favorite pastimes on; abusing his cohorts, and hanging out with his friends from the bands HIM and Hanoi Rocks and goofballs the Dudesons (you know, the guys Margera and company stole their shtick from). When the group worries about getting lost, a map is drawn on Margera’s pal’s stomach in Sharpie. Later, the map is tattooed in place as the poor fellow is fed Jack Daniels while being held down and screaming repeatedly in pain. When the tattoo is complete, Bam rewards his friend by slapping him so hard his knees buckle and he collapses to the floor.

Again, I ask — who wants to be friends with this guy?

The film’s subplot revolves around a bet between two sub-stooges over who will have more sex; one, Brandon Novak (who looks like he is strung out on heroin) travels with Bam’s group while the other, a mentally-deficient (at best) fellow named “Mark the Bagger” stays behind in West Chester. The thought of a woman talking to either one of these losers without the presence of a camera crew nearby is laughable, and even with the lights turned on we get to see plenty of female rejection even as both of them use the same tactic repeatedly: “I know Bam Margera!” Footage of Margera’s northern adventures are interspersed with shots from West Chester, as Margera’s friends spend the week before Christmas harassing Margera’s wife and parents. It makes you wonder why his family wasted all that time preparing for Christmas party instead of enlisting in the Witness Protection Program and getting the heck out of town while they had the chance.

I won’t spoil the film’s ending, not that it matters. There was a time when Jackass, CKY and the like were funny. “Bam Margera Presents: Where the !@#$ is Santa” just comes off as mean-spirited Throughout the film, Margera plays a meaner version of Moe Howard without any likable Stooges. He’s a wealthy bully who takes advantages of people down on their luck by giving them a little cash while exploiting them on camera. The only people he treats with any respect at all are his idols (read: anyone with money). Anyone else — friend, family, or random stranger — is fair game. It’s hard to enjoy the film’s antics when the people around him aren’t even having fun. This isn’t comedy; it’s just sad.

Bam Margera has certainly found his market with direct-to-DVD. Without the restrictions of cable television, Margera and his pals are free to curse it up and slap each other around with severed reindeer penises without any fear of censorship. These films cost almost nothing to produce and I’m sure they sell like hotcakes. My guess is next year we’ll see another one. My other guess is, it will involve a completely new set of friends as I doubt any of his current ones could take another round of this abuse.

I know I can’t.