UFO Chronicles (2003)

As a kid, I couldn’t get enough of the “unknown”. My bookshelf was overrun with books about aliens, Bigfoot, the Bermuda Triangle, and the Loch Ness Monster. As most people, my interest and belief in most of these topics has waned with age. I still enjoy the books and television specials, but for different reasons. Back then, it was because I wanted to believe. Now, it’s hard to sit through them without a smirk or a grin on my face.

To give you a rough idea, The UFO Chronicles is one of those specials that is probably even too cheezy for Fox to air. I probably never would have seen it or even heard of it if it hadn’t been for budget DVDs. All of a sudden, this DVD has popped up in Best Buy’s $6.99 or less section, and I’ve since seen it at both Wal-Mart and Hastings in their bargin bins as well.

Hosted by Lee Majors, this disc presents viewers with an increasingly odd collection of stories and testimonies relating “true” stories about other worldly encounters. The video is broken up into six chapters.

Chapter one is an interview with Whitley Strieber, author of Contact and Communion. Even if you thought he was a nut before, you will soon find him to be the most sane person on this film. Strieber recounts his multiple abductions in detail and provides descriptions and drawings of them.

Chapter two is titled “The Story of Jessica”. This nutcase was driving on a “lonely stretch of highway” in Montana (aren’t they all?) when she saw a bright light. Jessica’s entire story reads like every kid’s comic book on aliens you ever saw; it sticks to close to the formula, you could probably finish it yourself. Let’s see, her car wouldn’t stop, eventually it went dead, she got out but didn’t want to, she walked onto a ramp and blacked out, when she woke up she was on an operating table, she blacked out again and when she woke up she was back in her car, driving, and missing three hours. Zzzzz.

Chapter three starts dishing up the good stuff. We are treated to an extensive interview with Eddie Page, a wacko who is an alien-hybrid (his dad was an alien, but his mother was in the military and in some testing program. According to him, he was born fourth months after his mother had a hysterectomy. Unlikely. Anyhoo, it turns out now seven women have come forward claiming to be his “sisters”, coming from the same experiments. One of the ladies “has a light that runs through her”, giving off healing powers. She used this light, according to both of them, when Eddie “was killed in Vietnam”. Apparently after being killed, Eddie was beamed up to a UFO, where he received eight alien organs in a transplant operation (same blood type, of course), and his sister was able to heal him with her magic light. I told you Strieber was going to start sounding normal. Fortunately all ends well for the Page brothers and sisters, who are contacted by their father from outer space on a regular basis.

Chapter four covers a UFO convention in Las Vegas, where a bunch of wackos get together and discuss the reality of UFOs. We get a chance here to meet AriaA (yes, that’s spelled correctly), who is a “wandering spirit”. That’s an alien spirit that somehow gets put into a human body upon birth. Go figure.

Chapter five talks about the “Three Sisters Mystery”, regarding three mountains in the Northwest. A “flurry” of UFO activity has taken place here apparently, and so our trusty filmmakers headed northwest to prove that all UFO wackos aren’t found solely in the desert or Alabama. Then, several other flurries are discussed here, including the Gulf Breeze flap and the Mexico sightings, and some very, very bad photos are shown (hubcaps, anyone?).

Chapter six introduces us to some really odd nutcases. We get the, ahem, privledge, of meeting two members of the Intergalactic Council. Just like the UN, these two loons represent Earth in this universe wide committee. Funny, I don’t remember voting for them! To save themselves from all that “abduction” hastle, they communicate telepathically to the rest of the Galactic Federation. No frequent flyer miles for you!

Similar to religion, most of the people in this video all have differing accounts of what the aliens are like, and of course, they all think they’re right. I tend to think that all the pussy, “peace and love to the galaxy” alien people are full of shit. I like to think that when people from outer space come, they’re coming to take our resources and turn us into baby food.

If you’re a fan of good ol’ UFO schlock and enjoy good sci-fi cheese, The UFO Chronicles are definitely worth the $7 I spent. Who knows, when the aliens land they may spare you as food just for owning it.

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