There is a definate art to bad film making. Anyone can make a movie so rotten that no one will watch it, but there’s a special art in creating a film that is so God awful, that people feel impelled to keep watching. Maybe it’s because they’re hoping it might get better, or maybe it’s because they want to see just how bad it can get. Soon, bad jokes become good jokes, bad acting becomes enjoyable, and bad plots just, well, get worse. But when you’re in the right mood (which usually begins with a few rum and cokes), these bad movies can become pretty darn enjoyable. And like crabs, your suffering can be somewhat lifted in knowing that you have shared your pain with another. Taking your girlfriend or wife or some other loved one to the theater and catching a bad movie is no fun – it’s an experience that really has to be shared with “the guys”, or whoever those friends are that take delight in farting near others and don’t think twice about “double dipping” or “backwash.” Of course, the best is when you can shock even THOSE friends with a movie so bad, so horrible, so devilishly agonizing, that even the movie’s title evokes images of “two thumbs down”.
And that movie, my friends, is Microwave Massacre.
Construction worker “Donald” has some issues. His biggest problem is his wife “May” who treats him like crap. She even treats her little “drop-kick” dog better than she treats Donald. His biggest bone with her is the new microwave she has purchased, for the purpose of cooking new “cuisine”. One day, when Donald has had enough, he kills May, cuts her up, and sticks her in the freezer. In one of those wacky movie moments that goes down into cult history, he accidently makes a meal out of May, and decides … hey, she’s pretty good! Donald acquires a liking to the taste, and pretty soon he’s hitting the streets at night, searching for ladies of tonight to become the sandwich of tomorrow.
When Donald looks down at the stripper in front of him and says, “I’m so hungry, I could eat a whore,” groans filled my living room. The jokes (most of which are written with 15 year old boys in mind) don’t get much better. You’ve got the black guy who has no rhythm, who’s being taught to be cool by the greasy white guy. You’ve got people eating human meat, not knowing what it is, and liking it. And, you’ve got knockers. Yes folks, lots and lots of boobage. I mean, for a while I felt like I was watching an R Rated Benny Hill episode or something. There’s one chick who keeps showing up outside of Donald’s construction site, just to stick her breasts through the holes in the fence. It’s not within the capacity of the male human mind to question … just watch and enjoy.
I first saw Microwave Massacre I was about 10, and had rented it from Kaleidascope Video (RIP), which we knew as “the video place that rents adult movies to minors.” Other than late night cable, this was the best boobage we had seen to date. Looking back now, I think I have such a soft space in my heart for the movie because I feel like *I* discovered it. This was pre-internet; no one told me about the movie, I just found it, rented it, and the rest was history. Over the years, I probably invested enough money in rentals to buy it several times over. Microwave Massacre was probably the movie responsible for turning me onto bad movies.
Earlier this year, Kaleidascope Video went out of business. I stopped by, as they were having a going out of business sale. As an adult, I can see that Kaleidascope had turned into the “we’re never leaving the 80’s” movie rental place. For a buck each, I picked up Rad, Thrashin’, Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja Terminator, and many more. I spent everything I had in my pocket, close to $40, and wished that I had had four hundred more. And yes, there, almost glowing in the dusty, musty back corner of the horror section, next to all six Faces of Death movies (yes, I bought them as well) was Microwave Massacre. Probably the same copy of the wretched film I had first seen when I was 10 years old.
And so, next to my television in a special little nook reserved for the worst 80’s horror films, in between Chopping Mall and Silent Night, Deadly Night sits Microwave Massacre, the only film I know that mixes cooking technology with cannibalism. It’s comedy meets horror at it’s worst. And, according to the Internet Movie Database, it’s one of the five worst films of all time.
If you’re looking for a film to show you just who your true friends are, rent Microwave Massacre and invite all your pals over. The ones that come back next time are your true friends.